Personal Development – EAST WILLOW PLACE

Because A Simple “So What” Gives More Powerful Purpose

Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it.
1 Peter 3:15

I once attended a book-writing conference in another state. I had a rough manuscript of substantial length, words that I had written with deep emotion and intention – but when one of the guest speakers happened to sit at my table and ask, “So, what’s your book about?”, I completely froze. Then I stammered some muddled phrases that left him (and frankly, me) confused.

I was mortified. I had even tried to prepare for this question beforehand – but I realized too late the problem: the stated purpose of my book was not clear or short enough to remember well. Under stress it became incoherent.

The valuable lesson I learned that day: Be ready to clearly state the ‘so what’. And make it snappy, sister. Because if no one gets what you’re trying to offer – if it’s not clear and easily shareable – you’re not going to make a lot of impact.

So what’s YOUR “So what”? If someone who didn’t know you very well asked you “So what’s your story?” Or “So what do you do?” (or a similar question – and answering with your job description seems so trivial), do you know what you would say in a sentence or two? Does this question make you squirm with sudden discomfort? (I feel you.)

Good news! You get to make a “So what” statement for yourself! I can help.

Creating a “So what” statement (commonly known as a personal mission statement) for yourself does two things:

Tells others what your main purpose – and why it matters
Leads you to do what matters most

A “So What” statement helps you chisel down to the core of what you’re about for others. It also gives you a guideline to help you make the best decisions for where you want to spend your valuable time and energy – and ultimately your precious God-given life.

This can also be a source of freedom in liberating you to say no to things that don’t fall inside the lines of your main purpose.

As an Ambassador of Christ, the ‘so what’ should be something we all work to define for our lives – whether we herd goats, lay carpet, raise little humans, or do brain surgery.

While ultimately our purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever (Westminster Catechism, answer to “What is the chief purpose of man?”), we must work this out on a personal level to understand what and where our greatest impact is in this season.

(If you are unable to agree truthfully with the big picture purpose of glorifying and enjoying God, perhaps you should start with “Why don’t I?”. I recommend John Piper’s “Desiring God”, “When I Don’t Desire God”, “A Hunger for God”, or “The Pleasures of God” as great resources.)

So how do we come up with that juicy yet clear “So what” answer? One simple format to follow is to fill in the blanks in this sentence:

“I [action] by [ability/skill] for [people you reach] to [desired result].”

And rearrange the sentence as you need. For example: a fiction author might say: “I create stories that inform, entertain, and inspire people around the world.”

Or a homeschool mom: “I train and educate my children to become compassionate, godly and hard-working members of society and disciples of Christ.”

Is there a lot more to this? Yes! But this is a great starting place.

Why does it matter whether or not you articulate a personal “So What” statement?
Because a simple, clear description of your “So what” gives your purpose power.

It helps you simplify what is most important to you – and what you can let go of to prioritize your precious time. This gives you clarity to live purposefully the precious life God has given you.

Go strongly, friend.

Wear Your Crown, Carry Your Sword. – Maria Miller

If you want a free cheat sheet with more help and tips on how to create your own purpose statement, you can get access to my exclusive free printable page by signing up to receive my articles in your inbox - the password is immediately sent to you! 
(If you’ve already signed up, you’ll be getting an email with the password.)

I’d love to hear what YOUR “So What” statement is – please email me to share it with me!

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How to Use Courageous Humility to Bring New Connection

Dinner was steaming on the table. Anger was shimmering in the air.

It had been a long, hard day, and the afternoon had dissolved into an evening mashup of bickering, belligerent selfishness, snotty remarks, and defiant disobedience.

My husband wasn’t even home yet, since it was another long work day, and the eight kids and I were eating later than I had hoped. A sense of helpless discouragement over my inability to keep on time stabbed me mercilessly, even as the seething anger at my kids rose like an acidic heartburn.

“Everyone, sit down and be quiet!” I snapped, trying to quell the unending verbal antagonization.

As the kids settled into a sullen silence, with one last glare at siblings before closing their eyes for the blessing on the food, the ugliness of the hypocrisy was not lost on me.

How could we pray and ask God to bless our meal, our time together, when we were holding so much anger, hurt, and offense?

Unwilling and unable to pretend to God or my kids that everything was fine and carry on as usual, I declared:

“OK. We all need to apologize to God, and to each other for all the things we’ve done and said today.

We’ll each go around and pray, asking God to forgive us, and then we’ll ask the people we’ve wronged to forgive us.

I’ll go first.”

And I prayed out loud, telling God I was sorry for my impatience, my anger, my harsh words and my quickness to react when I needed to be calm. I asked Him to forgive me.

I then turned to the children I had been sharp and angry with, and asked them to forgive me as well.

Startled at the departure from our usual method of praying before a meal, my kids hesitatingly opened their eyes, looked into mine, and each told me they forgave me.

“Thank you,” I said. “Now, it’s your turn,” and pointing at the child sitting next to me, I indicated they needed to start talking.

And the amazing thing is… they did.

With the exception of the three-year-old, all seven older children first quietly prayed aloud, asking God to forgive them, and then spoke to the siblings they had offended, asking forgiveness for specific things they had said and done. Several of them apologized to me for various moments of “selective deafness” or snarky back talk.

All of them knew how they had wronged each other. All of them knew when it was they had done or said something hurtful.

Granted, we did have a few bumpy moments… One kid was suddenly struck with severe amnesia about the entire day, especially pertaining to their own behavior (too bad there were too many witnesses.) Eventually the memory was fully restored in an apparent miracle, with an acceptable apology stated at last.

There was also the child who, whenever someone else paused in their apology, would helpfully pipe up with a reminder of another item they should be sorry for as well.

But in spite of these little snags, by the time we had circled around to the last child, the tension and anger in the room had totally gone. Some kids had wept while apologizing, and the sincerely uttered “I’m sorry for…” statements had been accepted without hesitation by all the others. Often, when seeing the contrition in the one apologizing, the offended siblings would spontaneously jump up to rush around the table to give a comforting hug.

When I finally prayed to ask the blessing on the food, there was true peace and a softness in everyone’s face where there had been anger and hardness before. Genuine smiles and kindness lingered, even as we cleared the table and got ready for bed later.

It was an entirely changed atmosphere.

It scared me to think of how the evening might have turned out if I hadn’t said those three words: “I’ll go first.”

Sometimes, to bring back the softness, the repentance, the kindness, and the love – to repair relationships that have cracked or broken – it takes gritty humility to make that hard initial move and acknowledge our own wrongdoing FIRST.

Our kids and spouses and the people closest to us aren’t shocked by our imperfection. They relax in reassurance when we courageously apologize and admit our errors and wrongdoing, since it means that they, too, aren’t expected to be perfect.

They find comfort knowing there is humility and grace waiting to meet them when they share their own lackings and failings.

It takes a lot of strength and courage to lead in reconciliation and repentance. But the rewards are sweet and entirely worthwhile.

“I’ll go first.”

Will you?

God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.
Matthew 5:9 (NLT)

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A Heart of Unusual Grit: A Look at Courageous Thankfulness

One of my lovely daughters is blessed with a forelock.

That is to say, she has a patch of thick hair from above her forehead that grows forward rather than backwards. Even as an infant she began resembling Highland cattle, and I was tying her hair back from a very early age so we could see her eyes. (Or she looked like this:)

(Highland Cattle – photo by Shane Aldendorff on Unsplash)

The other morning, as I was trying to quickly get through brushing and tying up the various girls’ hair (I have on average 3-4 daughters who still require help), I got to this particular daughter. She clearly and politely requested only two ponytails, but I knew from experience that this would not work with her particular head. The forelock was a factor, and needed its own individual tie. So I made a small ponytail at the top of her head to wrangle the forelock into control, then incorporated it into the two larger pony tails that she had asked for.

Then she realized what I had done.

In short: Devastation.

I had used THREE and not TWO hair ties, disregarding her request.

Huge eyes welled up with tears, little shoulders hunched, lower lip out, while gusty sobs began, showing just how much I had disappointed her.

Staring at her in mild astonishment, I watched as enormous tears streamed down her face. She dropped to the ground and wept, apparently inconsolable. This continued for about thirty seconds. Which seemed a lot longer than it was.

Finally, with some moderate impatience (yes, I’m not a perfect mom), I said, “Can you please just stop crying and say ‘Thank you’?!”

She needed her hair tied up. I knew what was going to work best for her and what would last throughout her busy day playing, and I had given her a very cute hairstyle. She had no real reason to cry, and should instead be grateful for my loving care.

Then it struck me: I think this is something God wants to say to me sometimes:

“Can you please just stop crying and say, ‘Thank you’?!”

I have my idea of how something should go. I have my plan that I think is the right way, the perfect path, the only option I find acceptable. And I’ve asked Him for it politely, or just merely expect it because it’s the thing that will make me happy. Since I see no reason why it shouldn’t happen, I calmly await the certain delivery of my (ahem) “request”.

Then when I get something different, or it’s not what I had hoped, or I walk through unexpected loss or hurt, I am devastated by the pain and disappointment.

But knowing Who God is, knowing that He knows infinitely more than I, that He understands all the microscopic nuances of my life and its outcomes, I am showing a blatant lack of trust in my Father when I don’t say, “Thank you.”

Even if it wasn’t what I wanted.

Even if it makes me sad, or I don’t understand, or I wish it were different.

Those feelings can be there, but I can still choose to declare my gratitude to the Father who is working for my good, because I love Him and I know I am given a purpose in His Kingdom (Romans 8:28).

The command to “give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Ephesians 5:20, NLT) leaves no room for my feelings, as much as I may rebel and writhe with the apparent callous indifference to them.

If I want to be obedient to God’s Word, this is a direct choice I must make, regardless of how I feel.

Easy? More like terrifying and incredibly difficult.

Yet I must draw a line in the sand and decide in my heart whether or not I believe that my Creator God is truly the kind, all-knowing, always inherently loving Father the Bible says He is, and thank Him for what He has allowed to be for me and my loved ones.

Or I don’t, and thereby deliberately choose to disobey this clear command.

This is not comfortable.

This is not a placid, soft, warm-and-squishy kind of thankfulness when I’m feeling happy and things are going my way.

This is where my trust in this God I cannot see becomes the granite of reality and I obstinately choose to believe Him and His Word over my emotions, my experiences, and even my own understanding.

Like my little girl, I need to choose to stop crying and say “Thank you.” This is where the sacrifice comes in my “sacrifice of thanksgiving”.

As King David said, “I will not present offerings that cost me nothing.” (1 Chronicles 21:24)

May God graciously grant you and I the courageous hearts and flinty-faced grit to be thankful for truly everything.

“But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me. If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God.”
(Psalm 50:23, NLT)

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Open This Now! Discovering Beautiful Gifts in Every Day

Hey Friend!
A couple of months ago I took an online course. While the course was good, the biggest thing that I took away from it was a short, daily pre-bedtime routine that the instructor encouraged.

A guided journal page was provided, for both the morning and the evening, and at first I was wary: Another time commitment? Seriously? How helpful could this really be, especially when it was the same format each day? (Did these people get that I have a lot of little kids and not a lot of free time?)

And yet, to my surprise, I have found that this small practice has been deeply significant because it has helped change the way I look at each day.

Plus it only takes me five minutes at most.

Every night in a journal, I write answers to a few questions. Two of those questions have been especially transformative for me, and I’m hoping they might be for you, too.

The questions are:

– What three gifts were you given today?

– What three gifts did you give today?

The first time I saw these questions, I was slightly smug about the first (I’m always harping on being thankful to my kids, so surely I could easily find three things each night to remember with gratitude!), and slightly irritated by the second (what if I was super busy being a household executive and mama all day? Did making three meals a day qualify as a “gift”? What about vacuuming or folding someone’s underwear? Did giving a hug count?).

But, each night, I committed to thinking, remembering, and listing: Three things I had been given, three things I had given.

Asking to remember things I had been given as a gift quickly turned out to be a little bit different than merely jotting down “things I was thankful for”, because even if it turned out that I was writing the exact same things, to see them in the light of a gift was to create a shift in thinking.

It meant that I was acknowledging my place as a recipient of something (rather than continuously in the illusion of control), and that I was also acknowledging the giver and their kindness and intentional thoughtfulness toward me.

A gift is something given on purpose. So to recognize anything as a gift is also to recognize the meaningful action that someone made so that I could experience it.

Our God is the best gift-giver, of course, delighting to give good things to his children (Matthew 7:11). For me, many times a gift I wrote down has been from Him. To list something on the page and then be nudged by my own writing to tell Him, “Thank you for this today,” has been an incredible reminder of the tenderness, incomprehensible kindness, and deeply intimate nature of my Father.

He knows best what will give me the most joy and greatest encouragement, and it has been so precious to have my heart cared for in such a personal way. I have discovered that He often tucks little gift-moments for me throughout my day – but like a treasure hidden in plain sight, I have to be aware and alert to notice them or I pass right by.

For example, the other day a few of my children were in another room, discussing their favorite smells. I wasn’t in the conversation, as I was busy in the kitchen. I happened to overhear one of my younger sons tell the others that his favorite was the way Mom smelled when she first came out in the morning. (I guess he’s a fan of my shower gel and perfume!)

What made this sincere, funny comment so precious to me was the reminder that of all the people in the world, I am the one who has the ability to bring him the most comfort and sense of loving well-being – even if it’s just from the way I smell as he gives me a hug in the morning.

The gift here was not only knowing I am my child’s favorite smell (!), but that God has given me the humbling task of being such a pivotal and foundational part of my child’s formative years. He loves the way I smell because of what and who I am to him, and that responsibility is a gift from God to me.

It can often be a more intangible thing, like a thoughtful text from friend checking in on me. Or the way my husband calls me on his way home from work, then quietly listens while I tell him how hard and exhausting my day was, and then tells me he’s proud of me and thinks I’m doing an amazing job. (Yep, my husband makes it on the list very frequently.)

As for the second question: What three gifts have I given…?

To know that I will need to write answers to this question means that during my days I have started looking for things I can deliberately give: five minutes reading a short book with a struggling child who needs a little attention and a cuddle. A loving text to a friend who has been on my mind. Making a special treat for afternoon snack time that I know my kids will enjoy. Holding a toenail-painting session for my girls in the kitchen. Stopping for a minute to look one of my sons straight in the eyes and tell him something that I am really proud of and love about him. Giving my exhausted husband a shoulder massage. Writing an encouraging email to another weary mama of littles. Sending a card in the mail to a lonely long-distance loved one…

Because of this one little question, I have found that it motivates me to be much more intentional and take action on the many little things that could make a strong difference to others. And on the days when I don’t manage to complete what I had hoped, I know I will try again tomorrow.

I am grateful for grace and fresh starts.

Listing these things each night doesn’t make me feel arrogant, as I had initially thought I might. It actually only strengthens my sense of gratitude that I was able to do things that gave joy to others, and to discover the joy it gave my own heart when I did.

It’s become like an exciting challenge each day – what can I give? What can I notice that was given me? Both experiences bring joy. Both are beautiful gifts that come each day.

Each day can be full of beautiful gifts if we choose to see it that way.

There is joy found in receiving. There is joy found in giving. Becoming more aware of these joys has been a practice that gives more depth, intentional awareness, and delight to my days.

And it will for you, too.

Want to join me in my short-yet-meaningful evening journaling practice of looking for the gifts in each day?

Each night, take five minutes before you jump in bed. (Or fall in bed, or collapse into bed. Whatever it is you do, do this first!) Just grab a pencil and a blank notebook page, and answer these two questions:

– What are three gifts you were given today?

– What are three gifts you gave today?

Commit to keeping it up for a month. Then you can quit if you want. But you might find, like me, that it becomes a very valuable practice, and you might not be willing to put it aside.

Creating awareness of the gifts you have been given and the gifts you can give each day is also creating awareness of joy. Living with a heart abundant with joy and gratitude – that is the most beautiful gift ever.

– Maria

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