Tag: Confessions from a Mama of Many

How I Make Back-Talk Back Down (Parenting in Real Life)

3 Things I Do to Take on Back-Talk

– Confessions from a Mama of Many

Talking back, back-talk – it should be some kind of clever palindrome. In reality it’s aggravating, exhausting, and bewildering behavior from one’s children as they verbally challenge whatever it was their parent (usually me, the mom) just stated, requested, or commanded.

I have discovered that if not dealt with decisively and quickly, talking back becomes a long, ingrained habit that only deepens and solidifies its hold in interactions between me and my children, leaving me angry, defensive and (if I’m being honest) somewhat resentful.

I am in the trenches of this draining aspect of parenting, as I often face it daily from at least one (or more!) of my eight children.

(Side note: If any of you know of an amazingly immediate and certain method to eradicate back-talk completely, please share it with the rest of us!) 

Meanwhile, without taking this one on directly, my children seemingly become unable to obey without a major negotiation and a round-table discussion first, as if they were my equals.

Please note, I am not someone who endorses a “seen but not heard” approach to parenting, and I truly long to raise children who feel valued, respected, and cherished. I am delighted by my children showing confidence and independence in appropriate ways. What I am not in favor of is when my young, immature child feels entitled to question my direction, challenge my authority, or seek to amend my parenting in some way. It simply is not their place.

As a parent, I have been given authority over my children by God. Not only has He instituted the family unit as the ideal basis for raising and training children to adulthood, His Word makes it clear that the parents are unequivocally in charge – regardless of whether or not they are perfectly wise, even-tempered, or even right (gasp!).

So long as the parent is doing their best to humbly pursue God and lead their family in righteousness, the children are told to “Obey [their] parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1)

By my children learning to grow up under my authority and cheerfully obey me and their dad, they are learning cheerful obedience and submission to God. This is one of the main purposes of parenting: discipling children to become disciples of God. By actively, intentionally training them to respond to parents in respectful obedience, regardless of their feelings on the subject, I am laying down a solid foundation for a healthy relationship of joyful obedience with their Eternal Father.

Remembering this helps me recognize that when my young children are challenging my authority, they’re actually rebelling against a governance that God put in place, and as such, this is a serious concern that warrants time and effort to correct.

Here’s What I Do to Take on Back-Talk:

1. First, I tackle the area of the problem which I have complete control over: ME.

I pray for God to show me what it is that needs to change in my own heart and mind.

Is there anything on my part that is adding to the problem when my children are challenging my authority and direction?

Am I reacting from fear or insecurity, not wanting to be seen as rigid and domineering? Am I coping poorly from tiredness or lack of energy from not getting enough sleep? Am I being negligent from laziness or unwillingness to cope with the effort and time it will take to address and retrain my children?

Is it something else?

I pray so that I can humbly ask for help and listen – the Holy Spirit knows exactly what my specific area of trouble is, I just need to be open and accepting of His diagnosis. (There may be a situation where I am not in error, but this, sadly, is not usually the case as I often discover there is something skewed with me before even starting to address the kids’ side of the issue.)

Then I repent and ask for strength, wisdom, and obedience to correct the issue: What do I need to shift in my thinking and speaking? Do I need to change my habits and go to bed earlier so I am better rested? What is it that is coming to my mind that I should put down (my phone) or pick up (the Bible, communication with my husband or a friend to hold me accountable)? And, sometimes the most convicting question: How do I speak to my husband and children? Am I demonstrating respect and using kind, courteous speech to them?

2. I plan ahead.

I decide before I am involved in a back-talk conflict what steps I will take to respond and correct. That way when it actually goes down I have a plan and am better able to stay calm and collected, rather than stressed and reactive.

Any ongoing challenges will be met with a consequence, moving of course from a gradual, small scale to larger, more significant consequences. The most important part is not the size of the consequence, but that there is one without me becoming angry or engaging as my child’s equal. I am demonstrating that the behavior they chose to exhibit is not permitted and will be met with negative feedback.

3. I have a family meeting for a general overview, and a one-on-one conversation with the main offender(s).

In the meeting, I remind the child(ren) of the family policy on back talk and why it’s not allowed in our home. I point out that God has placed parents over children until they are able to be responsible for themselves, and that talking back is challenging this authority. It is disrespectful to parents and it is disrespectful to God. Should they choose to pursue this way of communicating, there will be consequences.

I do, however, provide an opportunity for them to present their opinion or alternate idea in a respectful, honoring way: They may politely ask for a compromise. If the situation is appropriate and I am able, I consider their request. By recognizing that it is still ultimately my decision, I have more flexibility to include my children’s input without feeling like my authority is undermined. This way my children also feel heard and their opinions honored.  And sometimes the things my kids suggest are quite brilliant!

For a quick overview:

1. I deal with my own heart and attitudes first, bringing them to God.

2. I make a plan when I am not emotionally compromised.

3. I communicate clearly and respectfully.

Finally, even if it goes without saying, I pray for my children (and me!) to have soft, teachable hearts. I firmly believe that parenting is really about being parented – as a child of God, I need to check to see that I am also demonstrating the humble, joyful obedience to my Father that I long to see in my children.

May your heart be encouraged and strengthened today as you do the good work of discipling your littles to be disciples of Christ. “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” (Galatians 6:9, NLT)

8 Kids and a Mini-Bus: An “Ordinary” Family Outing (Keeping It Real)

Move over, Swagger Wagon. Here comes the Spook Bus!

Confessions from a Mama of Many

When it’s ‘just us’, we count ten people.

And since the majority of us still require a booster or a carseat when we travel by car, that means we need a family vehicle that can accommodate this, while also allowing space for groceries, luggage, sports equipment, tools, diaper bags, and the random family friend or two. Or three.

Enter a former shuttle van, a black, 15-passenger Ford Transit, which we affectionately call “The Mini-Bus”, which technically might be an oxymoron.

There’s nothing like arriving at a friends’ barbecue in our big black shiny van.  We often roll up along an extended length of sidewalk to park, because sometimes the driveway is too short.  Turning off the engine, I usually call out careful reminders of overall behavior, expectations of good manners, kindness toward siblings, obedience toward parents, thankfulness towards the hosting family, and then recite the Gettysburg Address.  Just kidding.  (About the Gettysburg Address, I mean. I actually do say all the rest.)

Then we open the big side door. This is usually where at least two kids literally fall out onto the sidewalk because they couldn’t wait for a parent to help with their seatbelts and were leaning against the inside of the door, against the rules. The wails and sobbing from the ensuing scraped knees and hands create quite an entrance, if anyone happened to miss the actual arrival.

Then, after dealing with any emergencies, we have the ones who actually got out first without injuries try to stick close in a clump until we get the remaining horde crew out safely. In busy parking lots this can be a fascinating effort since we have a couple daydreamers who tend to drift gently away and completely block other parking spaces or veer into the way of other cars trying to drive by while observing a flying bird, an oddly-shaped cloud, or an interesting crack in the ground, deaf to all reminders to stay close. 

We also have a couple kids who love to finger-paint in the dust of our van – or truly, any available vehicle nearby – trailing once-clean fingers along the sides of streaked cars, then guiltily starting when I shriek their name, quickly wiping the grime from their fingers on their clothing. This is usually on our way in to church, while they’re wearing a nice outfit.

Of all my children, I have only two that have never thrown up in the car. Most of the rest have a strong tendency to carsickness, requiring careful planning and vigilant driving. “Look out the front window! Focus on those trees far away! Stop looking down!” is a commonly heard admonition on family drives. I have learned to bring a constant stash of wipes, bags, and something I’ve developed for these situations: a plastic container with a tightly sealed lid, lined with a couple paper towels for absorption. I usually bring a minimum of three.

On one infamous trip to pick up a food order from a place in the county we hadn’t been before, my GPS stopped working and I got lost driving up and down little forested hills with no idea where I was. Worried that we would miss our scheduled grocery pick up, I was anxious, and the children beginning to cry, squabble, and fight in the back didn’t help.

One of my sons started looking green, and his big sister yelled, “MOM! He’s going to throw up!” I began shrieking in panic, “Hold on! Just hold on! I’m going to pull over as soon as I can!” Seeing a driveway just ahead, I pulled over quickly, leaped out of the van, threw open the door and my son catapulted out to throw up on some bushes by the side of the road. Then, still gray-faced, he got back in the van full of wailing children, and I, completely stressed, hurriedly drove off. I’m not proud of this. (If those were your bushes, I deeply apologize.)

The other day I decided to be brave and load them all up for an outing, to get out of the house for an hour or so. My plan was to quickly throw on shoes, get in the van, drive to our church parking lot where they were handing out 30-day promise/prayer journals, and then head home for lunch.

Deep breath.

First we had to get ready. This involved siblings assisting/struggling with shoes, diaper changes, practicing military salutes, tickle fights, and wrestling when I had asked them to make sure they went to the bathroom.  

Saluting practice. One child apparently feeling two-handed salutes are better than one.
Tickle fight. Because that’s what I meant when I said, “Have you gone to the bathroom?”

One child unexpectedly had an emotional meltdown.

Another disappeared without a trace for about fifteen minutes – I later discovered that they had capriciously decided to change their entire outfit. For a drive where no one was planning on exiting the vehicle, in a van with tinted windows where no one could see them. Brilliant.

Then suddenly  it was remembered that some of the children had already written/drawn some cards/pictures for a couple of the pastors/ministry leaders at our church, so those had to be found to bring along.  But alas! This reminded the children who had not written or drawn any such communiqué that they were remiss and therefore needed to quickly make up for their lack. So, because I was still dealing with the meltdown child and also hadn’t yet gotten myself ready quite yet, I agreed. (Insert head slap.)

Twenty minutes later, now with various envelopes addressed to no less than five different people, each stuffed with drawings/notes, I sent the children who were ready out the front door to climb into the van. They were told to get in, help their little siblings put on their seat belts, and then strap themselves in and wait quietly while I grabbed my purse and locked the door.

 
Before I even managed to get my shoes on, my youngest toddler was somehow back out of the van, wandering around our front porch, and no less than three different children had also come running back inside to tattle or ask an asinine question.

With growing exasperation, I herded them all into the van, told them I was disappointed in their unwillingness to obey quickly, and ensured they were all strapped in.

Off we went!

The twenty-five minute drive was marked by various utterances from the eight passengers:

“Mom! Can you turn up the air conditioning?! I’m HOT!”

“Mom, I’m freezing!”

“Mom! She took my flip flops and won’t give them back!”

“Mom! He just said bum!” (in scandalized tones)

“Mom! He’s playing rock-paper-scissors with her and not looking out the front window so he’s going to get SICK!”

“I’m think I’m going to throw up.” (from the one child who is never carsick)

“I throw up!” (from the toddler, who hadn’t, but likes to say it)

“Mommy! She hit me and she didn’t say sorry!” (Culprit bursts into noisy tears)

Then, moments later, the same child: “Mommy! She’s looking at me!” (Culprit bursts into even louder sobs, this time from a deep sense of injustice.)

And the usual: “Mom! Are we there yet? How much longer?”

Yep. Good thing I was heading to pick up some prayer journals. I could really use them.