Tag: training children

Unlocking a Hard Heart: How to Create Safe Reconnection

Confessions from a Mama of 8

This may come as a shock to you, but I’m not a perfect mother. 

I’m not even terribly patient – which seems counterintuitive for a homemaker with a slew of eight littles.

Wait for it: My children are also imperfect, as incredible as that may seem.

And sometimes after a “situation” erupts, the child who has done wrong and is clearly at fault often becomes hard.

It’s like a grim, defiant varnish falls over their face, mind, and heart, and they stand there, refusing to apologize or make things right. They are clearly miserable, but unwilling and apparently unable to make the move to the safer, higher ground of repentance and reconciliation.

Often the initial problem is actually overshadowed by their belligerent attitude while being corrected – to the point where they experience the interesting phenomenon of a receiving a consequence for their ongoing attitude rather than the initial wrongdoing.

It’s difficult for me to fight a natural justice-driven instinct: I want to remain hard and cold to the one at fault, as if I think any softness on my part will seem like an encouragement or a reward for the bad behavior or choices.

The worrier in me anxiously frets that the child will have some kind of permanently flawed character if I don’t react with appropriate, cool sternness. I fear that if I don’t address their error in an appropriately punitive way, they will become a shallow, entitled, willful adult who mocks at upright living. And I will be seen as a weak, capitulating parent unworthy of respect or attention, world without end, amen.

Yet most of the time, any hardness, harshness or strict reproach from me, even if totally justified, usually tends to bring out only more hardness in my child.

In fact, it often escalates the situation, igniting more conflict rather than bringing any sort of resolution, much less the kind of heart-change I hope for.

One time I found myself again confronting a defiant, unrepentant and stone-faced child – but this time, by God’s grace, the usual Molotov cocktail of anger, bewilderment and fear in my own heart wasn’t there. Instead I felt an unexpected peacefulness, and a loving tenderness toward my child which startled me.

Looking down into the little stony face, I reached out and enveloped my child in a warm hug, gently rocking back and forth, stroking their hair.  And the stiff little body suddenly melted into softness with relief. Arms were thrown around my neck and a little voice choked out very sincere apology while tears streamed down.

My undeserved gentleness and kindness brought on a sudden softening – a genuine repentance that I could never have forced or manipulated.

Can you relate to the child described above? I sure can.

When I’m angry, hurt, embarrassed, sorry but too ashamed and proud to admit it, sometimes I am my own worst enemy in being able to find the peace and comfort I long for and the reconciliation that brings it about. But an unexpected kindness brings swift softness and acknowledgement of my wrong.

What we really need in those moments after we screw up (and realize it) is grace: Someone to extend undeserved kindness and mercy and provide a place of safety in our brokenness, because we yearn for acceptance and reconnection in our repentance, and mourn because… We know we don’t deserve it.

In our hardness, defiance, rebellion, anger, pride, and shame, our God reaches out to us with loving arms, showing us stunning mercy and kindness. Especially when we have done nothing to deserve it.

Being responded to like that melts the hardness, coldness, and shameful fear away. And we find the courage and safety to know we will be held and loved and forgiven without harshness or shaming (even though we might still face the consequences of our actions).

The Apostle Paul says it this way: “Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?”

Romans 2:4, NLT

The times I have experienced the most kindness and grace when I have done wrong often are the times I react with the greatest contrition and true repentance. 

I have seen the same happen in my kids again and again.

Let’s ask God for the courage and ability to gift His loving kindness to our children and those around us, to show His glorious grace and stunning tenderness even when it seems undeserved and counter-intuitive.

And we’ll know that it’s a way to most closely resemble God Himself, and to represent His love to a broken world desperately in need of reconciliation with Him.

We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”  For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:20-21, NLT

– Maria

Did you appreciate this article? Please share the link in your social media!

Also, I’d love to hear your thoughts – what’s something you struggle with in the areas of raising children, interacting with people, homeschooling, or in homemaking?

Mama Was a Preacher: (A Simple Mindset Check for Parents)

Hey there, Friend!

Quick question for you today:

If you were a swim coach, told that you had four weeks to teach a class of newbies how to survive being thrown in the deep end of the pool, what would you do? 

You would design a strategic plan to teach those people the essential skills they would need to pass the test!  You would review the plan daily, making sure you covered and carefully taught all that they needed to know!  

All along, you would know you had a time limit to complete your task, so you wouldn’t waste class time on showing them the best way to spread out their towels, or how to match their swim cap to their bathing suit. You would get them in the pool and get cracking on the important things!  

So in the arena of parenting, what is your deepest hoped-for outcome in parenting your kids? 

What, in your mind, is equal to the deep end of the pool?

  • Being a good and kind person?
  • Is it getting (and keeping) a successful job? 
  • Paying for their own college degree, car, or mortgage? 
  • Marrying someone who loves them?  
  • Finally learning how to do their own laundry and cooking? 

What is it that you would consider to be your benchmark goal of “success” in parenting? 

Does it have anything to do with knowing, loving, and pursuing God?

If you have any children, you have been given the calling of parenthood.  This means that far beyond just ensuring they survive to adulthood, you are also called to be someone who speaks into their lives with intention and purpose, teaching them diligently how to follow God and obey His Word.

Sounds like “Preacher” is part of the job description that falls under “Parent”… doesn’t it?

We have been given the task of influencing, directing, wisely counseling, and deliberately discipling our children, whether we have one or twenty-one of the punks.

“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it,” Scripture says (Proverbs 22:6, NLT). 

“We will not hide these truths from our children; we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the LORD, about his power and his mighty wonders,” Psalm 78:4 (NLT) declares.

The protégé of the Apostle Paul, Timothy, was reminded: “You have been taught the holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting in Christ Jesus,” (2 Timothy 3:15, NLT).  That is the essential aim of parenting as a believer – that our children would whole-heartedly trust in Christ Jesus and receive His salvation. Beyond this, all else is secondary.

Do we live like this is true?  Do we parent like our to-do list each day includes: “And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These words I am commanding you today are to be upon your hearts. And you shall teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.…”? (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)

Like the hypothetical swim coach, we have been given a time limit for achieving our goals for our children, whatever they may be. Our children will not be at home with us indefinitely. 

So are we shaping our time with our littles in a way that demonstrates our commitment to our goal of teaching them diligently? Are we speaking about the commands and righteous living outlined in the Scriptures as passionately and frequently as the passage above directs?

We are called to be preachers of God’s word in our own homes, not only to our children but to our own hearts as well.  “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength,” the Scripture states, as a directly personal command. 

The truth of God’s Word is to be upon our own hearts – or else how can we presume to pour it out into the hearts of our children?

The way to gain our children’s respect in teaching them this love for God is if we are first modeling it ourselves in integrity and truth. This means daily intentional pursuit and committed, persistent choices to turn our hearts and thoughts to Him.

Let’s decide to deliberately plan out and actively teach what our children will need in order to effectively pursue and love God on their own – letting our parenting goals be shaped by the truth of His Word, not our world.

Let’s decide to seek Him fiercely and fervently for ourselves and our own often- feeble hearts. He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak (Isaiah 40:29), and He also generously gives wisdom to those who ask for it (James 1:5). Jesus Himself prayed for us, that we would have the same love for God that God had for Jesus (John 17:25), so we can have no fear of repeating such an audacious request to Him. (I do, often!)

Let’s choose today to be the intentional, faithful, and sincere preachers of the Word to our children that we have been called and chosen to be.

Go get ’em, Mama. Your congregation awaits.

How I Make Back-Talk Back Down (Parenting in Real Life)

3 Things I Do to Take on Back-Talk

– Confessions from a Mama of Many

Talking back, back-talk – it should be some kind of clever palindrome. In reality it’s aggravating, exhausting, and bewildering behavior from one’s children as they verbally challenge whatever it was their parent (usually me, the mom) just stated, requested, or commanded.

I have discovered that if not dealt with decisively and quickly, talking back becomes a long, ingrained habit that only deepens and solidifies its hold in interactions between me and my children, leaving me angry, defensive and (if I’m being honest) somewhat resentful.

I am in the trenches of this draining aspect of parenting, as I often face it daily from at least one (or more!) of my eight children.

(Side note: If any of you know of an amazingly immediate and certain method to eradicate back-talk completely, please share it with the rest of us!) 

Meanwhile, without taking this one on directly, my children seemingly become unable to obey without a major negotiation and a round-table discussion first, as if they were my equals.

Please note, I am not someone who endorses a “seen but not heard” approach to parenting, and I truly long to raise children who feel valued, respected, and cherished. I am delighted by my children showing confidence and independence in appropriate ways. What I am not in favor of is when my young, immature child feels entitled to question my direction, challenge my authority, or seek to amend my parenting in some way. It simply is not their place.

As a parent, I have been given authority over my children by God. Not only has He instituted the family unit as the ideal basis for raising and training children to adulthood, His Word makes it clear that the parents are unequivocally in charge – regardless of whether or not they are perfectly wise, even-tempered, or even right (gasp!).

So long as the parent is doing their best to humbly pursue God and lead their family in righteousness, the children are told to “Obey [their] parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1)

By my children learning to grow up under my authority and cheerfully obey me and their dad, they are learning cheerful obedience and submission to God. This is one of the main purposes of parenting: discipling children to become disciples of God. By actively, intentionally training them to respond to parents in respectful obedience, regardless of their feelings on the subject, I am laying down a solid foundation for a healthy relationship of joyful obedience with their Eternal Father.

Remembering this helps me recognize that when my young children are challenging my authority, they’re actually rebelling against a governance that God put in place, and as such, this is a serious concern that warrants time and effort to correct.

Here’s What I Do to Take on Back-Talk:

1. First, I tackle the area of the problem which I have complete control over: ME.

I pray for God to show me what it is that needs to change in my own heart and mind.

Is there anything on my part that is adding to the problem when my children are challenging my authority and direction?

Am I reacting from fear or insecurity, not wanting to be seen as rigid and domineering? Am I coping poorly from tiredness or lack of energy from not getting enough sleep? Am I being negligent from laziness or unwillingness to cope with the effort and time it will take to address and retrain my children?

Is it something else?

I pray so that I can humbly ask for help and listen – the Holy Spirit knows exactly what my specific area of trouble is, I just need to be open and accepting of His diagnosis. (There may be a situation where I am not in error, but this, sadly, is not usually the case as I often discover there is something skewed with me before even starting to address the kids’ side of the issue.)

Then I repent and ask for strength, wisdom, and obedience to correct the issue: What do I need to shift in my thinking and speaking? Do I need to change my habits and go to bed earlier so I am better rested? What is it that is coming to my mind that I should put down (my phone) or pick up (the Bible, communication with my husband or a friend to hold me accountable)? And, sometimes the most convicting question: How do I speak to my husband and children? Am I demonstrating respect and using kind, courteous speech to them?

2. I plan ahead.

I decide before I am involved in a back-talk conflict what steps I will take to respond and correct. That way when it actually goes down I have a plan and am better able to stay calm and collected, rather than stressed and reactive.

Any ongoing challenges will be met with a consequence, moving of course from a gradual, small scale to larger, more significant consequences. The most important part is not the size of the consequence, but that there is one without me becoming angry or engaging as my child’s equal. I am demonstrating that the behavior they chose to exhibit is not permitted and will be met with negative feedback.

3. I have a family meeting for a general overview, and a one-on-one conversation with the main offender(s).

In the meeting, I remind the child(ren) of the family policy on back talk and why it’s not allowed in our home. I point out that God has placed parents over children until they are able to be responsible for themselves, and that talking back is challenging this authority. It is disrespectful to parents and it is disrespectful to God. Should they choose to pursue this way of communicating, there will be consequences.

I do, however, provide an opportunity for them to present their opinion or alternate idea in a respectful, honoring way: They may politely ask for a compromise. If the situation is appropriate and I am able, I consider their request. By recognizing that it is still ultimately my decision, I have more flexibility to include my children’s input without feeling like my authority is undermined. This way my children also feel heard and their opinions honored.  And sometimes the things my kids suggest are quite brilliant!

For a quick overview:

1. I deal with my own heart and attitudes first, bringing them to God.

2. I make a plan when I am not emotionally compromised.

3. I communicate clearly and respectfully.

Finally, even if it goes without saying, I pray for my children (and me!) to have soft, teachable hearts. I firmly believe that parenting is really about being parented – as a child of God, I need to check to see that I am also demonstrating the humble, joyful obedience to my Father that I long to see in my children.

May your heart be encouraged and strengthened today as you do the good work of discipling your littles to be disciples of Christ. “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” (Galatians 6:9, NLT)