Unlocking a Hard Heart: How to Create Safe Reconnection

Confessions from a Mama of 8

This may come as a shock to you, but I’m not a perfect mother. 

I’m not even terribly patient – which seems counterintuitive for a homemaker with a slew of eight littles.

Wait for it: My children are also imperfect, as incredible as that may seem.

And sometimes after a “situation” erupts, the child who has done wrong and is clearly at fault often becomes hard.

It’s like a grim, defiant varnish falls over their face, mind, and heart, and they stand there, refusing to apologize or make things right. They are clearly miserable, but unwilling and apparently unable to make the move to the safer, higher ground of repentance and reconciliation.

Often the initial problem is actually overshadowed by their belligerent attitude while being corrected – to the point where they experience the interesting phenomenon of a receiving a consequence for their ongoing attitude rather than the initial wrongdoing.

It’s difficult for me to fight a natural justice-driven instinct: I want to remain hard and cold to the one at fault, as if I think any softness on my part will seem like an encouragement or a reward for the bad behavior or choices.

The worrier in me anxiously frets that the child will have some kind of permanently flawed character if I don’t react with appropriate, cool sternness. I fear that if I don’t address their error in an appropriately punitive way, they will become a shallow, entitled, willful adult who mocks at upright living. And I will be seen as a weak, capitulating parent unworthy of respect or attention, world without end, amen.

Yet most of the time, any hardness, harshness or strict reproach from me, even if totally justified, usually tends to bring out only more hardness in my child.

In fact, it often escalates the situation, igniting more conflict rather than bringing any sort of resolution, much less the kind of heart-change I hope for.

One time I found myself again confronting a defiant, unrepentant and stone-faced child – but this time, by God’s grace, the usual Molotov cocktail of anger, bewilderment and fear in my own heart wasn’t there. Instead I felt an unexpected peacefulness, and a loving tenderness toward my child which startled me.

Looking down into the little stony face, I reached out and enveloped my child in a warm hug, gently rocking back and forth, stroking their hair.  And the stiff little body suddenly melted into softness with relief. Arms were thrown around my neck and a little voice choked out very sincere apology while tears streamed down.

My undeserved gentleness and kindness brought on a sudden softening – a genuine repentance that I could never have forced or manipulated.

Can you relate to the child described above? I sure can.

When I’m angry, hurt, embarrassed, sorry but too ashamed and proud to admit it, sometimes I am my own worst enemy in being able to find the peace and comfort I long for and the reconciliation that brings it about. But an unexpected kindness brings swift softness and acknowledgement of my wrong.

What we really need in those moments after we screw up (and realize it) is grace: Someone to extend undeserved kindness and mercy and provide a place of safety in our brokenness, because we yearn for acceptance and reconnection in our repentance, and mourn because… We know we don’t deserve it.

In our hardness, defiance, rebellion, anger, pride, and shame, our God reaches out to us with loving arms, showing us stunning mercy and kindness. Especially when we have done nothing to deserve it.

Being responded to like that melts the hardness, coldness, and shameful fear away. And we find the courage and safety to know we will be held and loved and forgiven without harshness or shaming (even though we might still face the consequences of our actions).

The Apostle Paul says it this way: “Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?”

Romans 2:4, NLT

The times I have experienced the most kindness and grace when I have done wrong often are the times I react with the greatest contrition and true repentance. 

I have seen the same happen in my kids again and again.

Let’s ask God for the courage and ability to gift His loving kindness to our children and those around us, to show His glorious grace and stunning tenderness even when it seems undeserved and counter-intuitive.

And we’ll know that it’s a way to most closely resemble God Himself, and to represent His love to a broken world desperately in need of reconciliation with Him.

We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”  For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:20-21, NLT

– Maria

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Also, I’d love to hear your thoughts – what’s something you struggle with in the areas of raising children, interacting with people, homeschooling, or in homemaking?

How to Impact the World Forever: Purposeful Parenting Now!

Your child is an eternal soul in a transient body.

Pardon my bluntness, but from what I understand, as a human, there is a 100% chance of death.

This may seem like a grim thought, but it really needs to be considered. Because how else will we decide how to live, how to spend the life we have been given, if we do not first understand that we only have it for a relatively brief span of time? 

How else would we recognize the immense precious worth of the moments we have been given now to impact not only our children, but through them, their children and children’s children?

A common current way of thinking is to work to establish a ‘kingdom’ in one’s own lifetime, of things, money, and a reputation that will bring a sense of success or value while one is alive. But a far more reasonable and worthwhile mentality is that, while recognizing our own mortality, we deliberately aim to produce value and lasting impact for when we are no longer here.

The best way to do this is to invest in our children’s character and relationship with their Creator-King.

As immortal souls, they truly will be one lasting thing that we will have had the privilege of helping create while on earth. Businesses may close, wealth may be spent and pass to others, reputation and significance will fade. But to impact another person’s character – to help imprint them and shift them from one aspect into something different – that is to bear the weight of co-creation, in a way. It’s working to build up a Kingdom that is going to last through eternity – God’s Kingdom.

That God has seen fit to allow such a flawed and imperfect person as myself the exquisite honor of using my time and efforts to guide my eight young children’s minds and hearts on a path that leads towards Him is something truly incredible. How I choose to steward my time with them impacts their minds, hearts, and lives. I have the opportunity to shape these eight little people like no other human will.

So how am I using this season I am assigned to this work?  How are you using the time you have?

Once we recognize our limited time given for this task, not only because we are all mortal, but because there is only a relatively short span when we have the undivided attention and respect of our children when they are young, parenting becomes (rightfully) something we should look at with seriousness and earnestness.

And probably a little something akin to a holy panic.

Because how in the world are we actually supposed to do this?!?

Exactly.

Again to be quite blunt: We’re not. Our job is to enable God to do His in the hearts and minds of our children, while allowing Him full authority over our own.

We are to be the under-gardeners. The under-shepherds. The teaching assistants, the mentors, the stewards, the butlers and housekeepers. None of it is truly ours to hold in the first place.

It all belongs to the Great Overseer of our souls, our Good Shepherd, our Teacher, Master Gardener, High King and Lord of all. We can find comfort knowing that our children are ultimately not our responsibility, but our Father’s.

He is the One who will plant the seeds – we are to help keep the soil soft and as weed-free as we can, watering and fertilizing, building fences and staying vigilant to keep marauders and pests out.

He is the One who the sheep listen to – we are to help guard the lambs and teach them to know His voice and follow Him quickly to find life-giving food, clear water, and nurturing care.

He is the Teacher – we are to help with the lessons and homework He gives, provide encouragement and pointers during hard tests, and cheer and congratulate when successful learning takes place.

And in that knowledge, we can find the galvanizing reality that we will answer to Him for how we have spent our time with the littles in our charge, whether they be our own children or anyone in need of guidance and discipleship that He has brought into our lives in the season we’re in now.

He has chosen each of us specifically for good works that He has planned out for us before time began (Ephesians 2:10). So, we can find the strength, hope, wisdom, love, and courage to walk in those works only as we daily seek direction and help from our Father.

And the main source of direction and help that He has lovingly provided for us: His Holy Word. Click to read my article on Why a Bible-Shaped Life is Vitally Important to Any Parent.

There is a saying that God has no grandchildren. Our faith is ours, and our children must grow and develop their own faith-relationship with Him. Our job, then, is to enable and encourage and guide that relationship, not to try to be a representative or surrogate for them to God. It would perhaps be more accurate to say that God wants you to represent Him to your children!

We should disciple and teach our children while holding the idea that eventually they will become mature adults and followers of Christ – and as such, will become our brothers and sisters in God’s kingdom. This means we should behave toward them with the respect, kindness, and grace we would give others outside our family, and not grow careless or lazy in how we treat or train our children, even when they are young.

“Who then is adequate for such a task as this?” (2 Corinthians 2:16). As stunning and overwhelming as it may seem, if you are a parent or a caregiver of young children, God has chosen you to carry out this awesome task. And He promises to give you everything you need for it:

“And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

(2 Corinthians 9:8, NIV)

“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.” (2 Corinthians 4:7, NLT, emphasis mine)

Our children don’t need us to be perfect. They already know we’re not. They just need us to keep shining out the Light through our broken places so that they can see the path toward our perfect God for themselves.

And the brighter the better.

We are not promised tomorrow. Let’s make the most of the time we have today.

Make a commitment to yourself and to God today to be the parent He has called you to be. Pray and commit yourself and your kids to Him entirely. Want extra accountability? I would love to hear your story! Send me a reply, and I will read it and pray for you. Parenting is a high and challenging calling, my friend.

You do not have to walk it alone.

With you in this!

Maria

(To connect to the companion article that shows how a Biblically-based life is foundational to raising children who walk with God, click to read Why a Bible-Shaped Life is Vitally Important to Any Parent!)

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Mama Was a Preacher: (A Simple Mindset Check for Parents)

Hey there, Friend!

Quick question for you today:

If you were a swim coach, told that you had four weeks to teach a class of newbies how to survive being thrown in the deep end of the pool, what would you do? 

You would design a strategic plan to teach those people the essential skills they would need to pass the test!  You would review the plan daily, making sure you covered and carefully taught all that they needed to know!  

All along, you would know you had a time limit to complete your task, so you wouldn’t waste class time on showing them the best way to spread out their towels, or how to match their swim cap to their bathing suit. You would get them in the pool and get cracking on the important things!  

So in the arena of parenting, what is your deepest hoped-for outcome in parenting your kids? 

What, in your mind, is equal to the deep end of the pool?

  • Being a good and kind person?
  • Is it getting (and keeping) a successful job? 
  • Paying for their own college degree, car, or mortgage? 
  • Marrying someone who loves them?  
  • Finally learning how to do their own laundry and cooking? 

What is it that you would consider to be your benchmark goal of “success” in parenting? 

Does it have anything to do with knowing, loving, and pursuing God?

If you have any children, you have been given the calling of parenthood.  This means that far beyond just ensuring they survive to adulthood, you are also called to be someone who speaks into their lives with intention and purpose, teaching them diligently how to follow God and obey His Word.

Sounds like “Preacher” is part of the job description that falls under “Parent”… doesn’t it?

We have been given the task of influencing, directing, wisely counseling, and deliberately discipling our children, whether we have one or twenty-one of the punks.

Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it,” Scripture says (Proverbs 22:6, NLT). 

“We will not hide these truths from our children; we will tell the next generation about the glorious deeds of the LORD, about his power and his mighty wonders,” Psalm 78:4 (NLT) declares.

The protégé of the Apostle Paul, Timothy, was reminded: “You have been taught the holy Scriptures from childhood, and they have given you the wisdom to receive the salvation that comes by trusting in Christ Jesus,” (2 Timothy 3:15, NLT).  That is the essential aim of parenting as a believer – that our children would whole-heartedly trust in Christ Jesus and receive His salvation. Beyond this, all else is secondary.

Do we live like this is true?  Do we parent like our to-do list each day includes: “And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These words I am commanding you today are to be upon your hearts. And you shall teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.…”? (Deuteronomy 6:5-7)

Like the hypothetical swim coach, we have been given a time limit for achieving our goals for our children, whatever they may be. Our children will not be at home with us indefinitely. 

So are we shaping our time with our littles in a way that demonstrates our commitment to our goal of teaching them diligently? Are we speaking about the commands and righteous living outlined in the Scriptures as passionately and frequently as the passage above directs?

We are called to be preachers of God’s word in our own homes, not only to our children but to our own hearts as well.  “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength,” the Scripture states, as a directly personal command. 

The truth of God’s Word is to be upon our own hearts – or else how can we presume to pour it out into the hearts of our children?

The way to gain our children’s respect in teaching them this love for God is if we are first modeling it ourselves in integrity and truth. This means daily intentional pursuit and committed, persistent choices to turn our hearts and thoughts to Him.

Let’s decide to deliberately plan out and actively teach what our children will need in order to effectively pursue and love God on their own – letting our parenting goals be shaped by the truth of His Word, not our world.

Let’s decide to seek Him fiercely and fervently for ourselves and our own often- feeble hearts. He gives strength to the weary, and increases the power of the weak (Isaiah 40:29), and He also generously gives wisdom to those who ask for it (James 1:5). Jesus Himself prayed for us, that we would have the same love for God that God had for Jesus (John 17:25), so we can have no fear of repeating such an audacious request to Him. (I do, often!)

Let’s choose today to be the intentional, faithful, and sincere preachers of the Word to our children that we have been called and chosen to be.

Go get ’em, Mama. Your congregation awaits.