Let’s talk about parenting. Because parents can be enormously damaging. Or enormously life-giving (but those can be more rare – just stating the facts, ma’am).
I think that the general purpose of parents has been greatly lost in recent years, so here’s my take on 2 secrets about parenting that will bring clarity to your overall perspective and hopefully remind you of the truth while giving you some hope!
On the parent’s part:
Parenting is about being parented. That’s it.
It’s not actually supposed to be about the child/ren much at all, especially as an end. It’s really about coming to terms with one’s own relationship with the Ultimate Father – God – and being found in a situation where one is constantly forced to face their own inadequacies, sinful selfishness, and humiliating lack of understanding and control. (Ask me how I know this.)
It’s about coming to a point of reliance on the great and merciful supply of daily wisdom and strength that God alone can give. It’s about surrendering pride and appearances and being willing to endure pain and possible rejection for another’s highest good.
On the child’s part:
Parenting is really about being stewarded, discipled, and trained toward an understanding and belief in this same Ultimate Father as their true parent – because any sort of replacement of the human parent for reliance on their Father God is going to be a letdown.
Human parents are going to disappoint their children, fail them, and hurt them – probably often, hopefully mostly unintentionally.
(If you are feeling reactive to that last statement, check your pride – those of us who are being honest with ourselves are nodding in rueful agreement.)
In spite of their inherent imperfection, the parent’s true role is to provide loving care and physical, mental, and emotional nourishment in such a way that the child has no impediment to seeing their heavenly Father’s love and care reflected by the parent.
By doing so, parents are creating the opportunity for children to begin their own relationship with him, with the hope that they love Him far more than they love their parents.
This is the ultimate goal of parenting.
(And yes, teaching them to say please, brush their teeth, and wear deodorant is also helpful – but not the ultimate goal.)
Why we fail is because we keep forgetting who we are and our true role: stewards, managers, and tutors serving an all-powerful and all-knowing King. We are in charge of raising HIS children with their eternal souls to become valuable, purposeful and reverent royal citizens in the King’s eternal Kingdom – not ours. And each person who parents another will be held accountable for our stewardship to the Father-King.
We were created to find our deepest joy and richest purpose in our Ultimate Father, not in flawed human parents.
And that’s why so many well-intentioned, loving parents get it wrong.
Because it’s not about us or our children – it’s about our King. If that clarity of focus is lost – no matter how loving or “religious” or protecting – that parent has become an impediment to the child’s greatest good.
The overwhelming love and protection we feel for our children is only a microbial drop compared to the deep sea of love our Father has for us – allowing us to get a glimpse of his heart and love, enabling us to persevere in our work of parenting while rejoicing and comforted in our own relationship with him.
And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children...
- Deuteronomy 6:6-7a
Wear Your Crown, Carry Your Sword. – Maria Miller
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This may come as a shock to you, but I’m not a perfect mother.
I’m not even terribly patient – which seems counterintuitive for a homemaker with a slew of eight littles.
Wait for it: My children are also imperfect, as incredible as that may seem.
And sometimes after a “situation” erupts, the child who has done wrong and is clearly at fault often becomes hard.
It’s like a grim, defiant varnish falls over their face, mind, and heart, and they stand there, refusing to apologize or make things right. They are clearly miserable, but unwilling and apparently unable to make the move to the safer, higher ground of repentance and reconciliation.
Often the initial problem is actually overshadowed by their belligerent attitude while being corrected – to the point where they experience the interesting phenomenon of a receiving a consequence for their ongoing attitude rather than the initial wrongdoing.
It’s difficult for me to fight a natural justice-driven instinct: I want to remain hard and cold to the one at fault, as if I think any softness on my part will seem like an encouragement or a reward for the bad behavior or choices.
The worrier in me anxiously frets that the child will have some kind of permanently flawed character if I don’t react with appropriate, cool sternness. I fear that if I don’t address their error in an appropriately punitive way, they will become a shallow, entitled, willful adult who mocks at upright living. And I will be seen as a weak, capitulating parent unworthy of respect or attention, world without end, amen.
Yet most of the time, any hardness, harshness or strict reproach from me, even if totally justified, usually tends to bring outonly more hardness in my child.
In fact, it often escalates the situation, igniting more conflict rather than bringing any sort of resolution, much less the kind of heart-change I hope for.
One time I found myself again confronting a defiant, unrepentant and stone-faced child – but this time, by God’s grace, the usual Molotov cocktail of anger, bewilderment and fear in my own heart wasn’t there. Instead I felt an unexpected peacefulness, and a loving tenderness toward my child which startled me.
Looking down into the little stony face, I reached out and enveloped my child in a warm hug, gently rocking back and forth, stroking their hair. And the stiff little body suddenly melted into softness with relief. Arms were thrown around my neck and a little voice choked out very sincere apology while tears streamed down.
My undeserved gentleness and kindness brought on a sudden softening – a genuine repentance that I could never have forced or manipulated.
Can you relate to the child described above? I sure can.
When I’m angry, hurt, embarrassed, sorry but too ashamed and proud to admit it, sometimes I am my own worst enemy in being able to find the peace and comfort I long for and the reconciliation that brings it about. But an unexpected kindness brings swift softness and acknowledgement of my wrong.
What we really need in those moments after we screw up (and realize it) is grace: Someone to extend undeserved kindness and mercy and provide a place of safety in our brokenness, because we yearn for acceptance and reconnection in our repentance, and mourn because… We know we don’t deserve it.
In our hardness, defiance, rebellion, anger, pride, and shame, our God reaches out to us with loving arms, showing us stunning mercy and kindness. Especially when we have done nothing to deserve it.
Being responded to like that melts the hardness, coldness, and shameful fear away. And we find the courage and safety to know we will be held and loved and forgiven without harshness or shaming (even though we might still face the consequences of our actions).
The Apostle Paul says it this way: “Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?”
Romans 2:4, NLT
The times I have experienced the most kindness and grace when I have done wrong often are the times I react with the greatest contrition and true repentance.
I have seen the same happen in my kids again and again.
Let’s ask God for the courage and ability to gift His loving kindness to our children and those around us, to show His glorious grace and stunning tenderness even when it seems undeserved and counter-intuitive.
And we’ll know that it’s a way to most closely resemble God Himself, and to represent His love to a broken world desperately in need of reconciliation with Him.
We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!” For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.
2 Corinthians 5:20-21, NLT
– Maria
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Your child is an eternal soul in a transient body.
Pardon my bluntness, but from what I understand, as a human, there is a 100% chance of death.
This may seem like a grim thought, but it really needs to be considered. Because how else will we decide how to live, how to spend the life we have been given, if we do not first understand that we only have it for a relatively brief span of time?
How else would we recognize the immense precious worth of the moments we have been given now to impact not only our children, but through them, their children and children’s children?
A common current way of thinking is to work to establish a ‘kingdom’ in one’s own lifetime, of things, money, and a reputation that will bring a sense of success or value while one is alive. But a far more reasonable and worthwhile mentality is that, while recognizing our own mortality, we deliberately aim to produce value and lasting impact for when we are no longer here.
The best way to do this is to invest in our children’s character and relationship with their Creator-King.
As immortal souls, they truly will be one lasting thing that we will have had the privilege of helping create while on earth. Businesses may close, wealth may be spent and pass to others, reputation and significance will fade. But to impact another person’s character – to help imprint them and shift them from one aspect into something different – that is to bear the weight of co-creation, in a way. It’s working to build up a Kingdom that is going to last through eternity – God’s Kingdom.
That God has seen fit to allow such a flawed and imperfect person as myself the exquisite honor of using my time and efforts to guide my eight young children’s minds and hearts on a path that leads towards Him is something truly incredible. How I choose to steward my time with them impacts their minds, hearts, and lives. I have the opportunity to shape these eight little people like no other human will.
So how am I using this season I am assigned to this work? How are you using the time you have?
Once we recognize our limited time given for this task, not only because we are all mortal, but because there is only a relatively short span when we have the undivided attention and respect of our children when they are young, parenting becomes (rightfully) something we should look at with seriousness and earnestness.
And probably a little something akin to a holy panic.
Because how in the world are we actually supposed to do this?!?
Exactly.
Again to be quite blunt: We’re not. Our job is to enable God to do His in the hearts and minds of our children, while allowing Him full authority over our own.
We are to be the under-gardeners. The under-shepherds. The teaching assistants, the mentors, the stewards, the butlers and housekeepers. None of it is truly ours to hold in the first place.
It all belongs to the Great Overseer of our souls, our Good Shepherd, our Teacher, Master Gardener, High King and Lord of all. We can find comfort knowing that our children are ultimately not our responsibility, but our Father’s.
He is the One who will plant the seeds – we are to help keep the soil soft and as weed-free as we can, watering and fertilizing, building fences and staying vigilant to keep marauders and pests out.
He is the One who the sheep listen to – we are to help guard the lambs and teach them to know His voice and follow Him quickly to find life-giving food, clear water, and nurturing care.
He is the Teacher – we are to help with the lessons and homework He gives, provide encouragement and pointers during hard tests, and cheer and congratulate when successful learning takes place.
And in that knowledge, we can find the galvanizing reality that we will answer to Him for how we have spent our time with the littles in our charge, whether they be our own children or anyone in need of guidance and discipleship that He has brought into our lives in the season we’re in now.
He has chosen each of us specifically for good works that He has planned out for us before time began (Ephesians 2:10). So, we can find the strength, hope, wisdom, love, and courage to walk in those works only as we daily seek direction and help from our Father.
There is a saying that God has no grandchildren. Our faith is ours, and our children must grow and develop their own faith-relationship with Him. Our job, then, is to enable and encourage and guide that relationship, not to try to be a representative or surrogate for them to God. It would perhaps be more accurate to say that God wants you to represent Him to your children!
We should disciple and teach our children while holding the idea that eventually they will become mature adults and followers of Christ – and as such, will become our brothers and sisters in God’s kingdom. This means we should behave toward them with the respect, kindness, and grace we would give others outside our family, and not grow careless or lazy in how we treat or train our children, even when they are young.
“Who then is adequate for such a task as this?” (2 Corinthians 2:16). As stunning and overwhelming as it may seem, if you are a parent or a caregiver of young children, God has chosen you to carry out this awesome task. And He promises to give you everything you need for it:
“And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”
(2 Corinthians 9:8, NIV)
“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.” (2 Corinthians 4:7, NLT, emphasis mine)
Our children don’t need us to be perfect. They already know we’re not. They just need us to keep shining out the Light through our broken places so that they can see the path toward our perfect God for themselves.
And the brighter the better.
We are not promised tomorrow. Let’s make the most of the time we have today.
Make a commitment to yourself and to God today to be the parent He has called you to be. Pray and commit yourself and your kids to Him entirely. Want extra accountability? I would love to hear your story! Send me a reply, and I will read it and pray for you. Parenting is a high and challenging calling, my friend.
How can you get these beautiful printable parenting reminder cards? [In both English and Spanish!] I’ll send them to you – free – in your email! Sign up below or in the toolbar on the right and I’ll get them to you ASAP!
Have you ever noticed how sometimes you think you know something, but then you have to explain it or teach it to someone else, and as you do, that’s when you realize that it is suddenly clear to you for truly the first time?
For me it’s like a shot of excitement and even adrenaline as I experience the joy of learning. My kids sometimes just stare at me as I get enthusiastic and start waving my arms around, coming up with all kinds of (sometimes kooky) metaphors and analogies to get them as excited as I am. (I guess I’m making it clear that I am a total nerd. Often.)
The act of teaching it to someone else helped me learn!I’ve read that this is a common experience.
I think this is why God often allows our life to hold other people who need to learn something from us. Whether it’s our children, our younger siblings, our colleagues, or our clients, He’s graciously givingus the opportunity to learn something well by needing to teach it to others.
In my life I am constantly humbled by how little I know – but because I am constantly parenting my kids, I am (usually) thrilled to find I have the opportunity to learn things alongside my kids each day!
For me I find these learning moments often come during our family devotional or Scripture-reading times, or when I’m expounding on some theological truth to my children – and I’m overcome with tears because an aspect of God’s goodness or beauty suddenly became clarified to me.
These are moments of God’s grace. This experience is like a little love-note from my Father, who never gives up on me and who knows exactly what I need, every single day.
I’ve decided, in fact, that pretty much every time my family has a devotional or reads the Bible together, it seems that God is more interested in changing my heart and helping me learn something from His Word than about me making sure my children understand each theological nuance.
And maybe that’s what’s important. Teaching may really be about learning.
I’m going to be in a better place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually if I’m staying humble and listening to MY Father. I appear to teach better – in no matter what sphere of influence – when I’m also an eager and listening student.
So what are the places in your life where you have been given the role of teacher? And have you found, too, that often those are the areas where you can be startled by discovering your own learning growth, even as you teach?
I challenge you to ask God for a humble, learning heart. Give Him the permission to surprise you with a fresh discovery and brilliant illumination in a place in life or a topic you already thought you knew with your eyes closed.
The revelations come like a sting of joy. And it’s worth every ounce of the humble courage it takes to receive them with open hands and gratitude.
I’m so excited for us both as we continue to grow and learn and delight in fresh discoveries!
What’s something you learned recently that was surprising and unexpected in a good way?
Send me your response and let me know! Also, if you haven’t yet, sign up for your free set of 5 Parenting Reminder Cards printable and I’ll get those sent to you ASAP!
Parenting is often more about being parented. I say this because knowing who you are as a child of God and learning to be parented by Him will so deeply impact you that it will spill over into how your raise your children.
(A Letter to My Children)
My darlingest Doodledobs:
To care for a young child, or a younger person, or any person in need, really, is a bit like roaring in the dark. To choose to show love when you take the time, give the work, and enter in the cost of another’s weakness or helplessness by tending to their needs… well, that’s being a little like Jesus, right? It’s a way of declaring strongly: “This small thing has great import. This little one is significant. There is hope and greatness here that must be nurtured. I declare by my actions that this one has a purpose and a future that deserves my attentions and respect.” And that declaration goes out like a roar in the vast distance of a darkness where many believe they are unloved, untended, forgotten, abandoned, unwanted, and unclaimed as valueless.
This is why I think parenting is the work that most closely resembles what our Father God does, and therefore is possibly among the greatest acts one can ever choose to perform while on Earth. He too has “brought us forth” (James 1:18, 1 Peter 1:3, 23), claimed us, named us (Revelation 2:17, 3:12), and lovingly teaches and raises us to our calling as a nation of royal rulers and priests (Is. 61:6, 1 Peter 2:9). He delights in us (Zephaniah 3:17, Ps. 41:11, Deuteronomy 30:9), disciplines us (Hebrews 12:5-7), and cares only for our highest and greatest good – which is to be made holy and to know him fully (Hebrews 2:11, 12:14, 2 Timothy 2:21, 1 Corinthians 6:11).
When we raise up small, initially utterly dependent, largely helpless children to become sentient, purposeful, independent adults who are capable of elevating and increasing benefit to others in turn, we are Godlike. And so we should be, as His children – we should be resembling Him in the work that most closely reflects His main purpose for us.
I hope you never look at a frazzled, embarrassed, clearly worn parent holding a screaming toddler in the aisle of a grocery store with amusement, distaste, or contempt. I pray you do not judge the parent who seems merely complaining and exhausted, even as they do another load of stained and smelly laundry they did not wear, dig through the garage for needed athletic equipment which they personally have never used, or turn the house upside down to find a homework assignment which they have not lost.
Weary parents who work hard all day only to come home and throw together a special birthday dinner, celebrate a lost tooth, or mourn a scraped elbow with a kiss and a bandage do not acknowledge the truth of their actions: They are the heroes of our world, because they are acting like the most amazing Super-Being ever. They are reciprocating the love of their Father God, even if they don’t realize it, by enacting it out on fragile, faulty and fallen fellow humanity.
As such, they are worthy of tender honor and esteem. As you will be when you take on this enormous, impossible and deeply shattering challenge of parenting – whether it’s through raising children, being a mentor, or in whatever way God leads you to pour into the needy lives and hearts of others around you. (The Apostle John fathered churches! 1 John 1)
A frequent prayer of mine has been that God would mercifully mitigate my parenting with His own. I have asked Him many times to filter me to you so that He would block anything coming from me that would turn you away from Him or give you a wrong impression of His love and character. It is only through His great mercy and kindness that He has allowed me to be your mom, and it takes my breath away to think about it.
Parenting is often more about being parented. I say this because knowing who you are as a child of God and learning to be parented by Him will so deeply impact you that it will spill over into how your raise your children.
For example: Remembering how He patiently reminds me again and again about an area where I need to grow (like being quick to get angry!) helps me calm down and also see that I need to be willing to give you a more patient and loving reminder instead of making every single mess-up a major deal. His grace to me shows me the rightness of giving it to you.
Knowing who you are in your heavenly Father’s eyes and knowing how you are held close to His heart can only grow you and equip you in being able to see your own children properly, and loving them truly. There is no manual or how-to guide on parenting that is flawless or fitting for every child. Each person is so unique and fascinatingly varied! It would be impossible to write a guide that would apply perfectly in every situation.
And that is exactly why we need to be holding tightly to our own Father’s hand and listening carefully to His voice as we parent our own children – because He is the most wise, loving, perfect Parent who created our children and knows each of them intricately! Only by carefully walking each step with Him and humbly seeking His counsel and help for each situation, just like little children, can we hope to navigate through the uncertain waters and sometimes deep waves of parenting.
Parenting is often really about making disciples. We parents are quick to forget this – and it’s an easy thing to do! – because there is so much that seems to yell at us from the sidelines as we run this marathon (mountain trek?) of trying to raise kids well. Our family, friends, culture, and the world all want to give us helpful information on how to successfully keep our children alive, thriving, happy, and smart. There are many good things to learn from these sources. But unless we have an initial and primary focus on something, the way can become very confusing, cluttered, and overwhelmed very quickly. So who are you going to train your sight on as you raise your children?
If our focus is already on Jesus for ourselves, our choices that really truly matter in how we raise our kids become more clear, even from infancy – regardless of whether or not their spinach is organic or if we decide to forgo pacifiers or if we co-sleep. (For the record – I feel organic is nice but not an essential over just getting green veg down your throats; you all hated pacifiers and acted like I was trying to make you gag to death whenever I tried in desperation to give you one; and I was a sleepless, hysterical mess when I ever tried co-sleeping… I was too hyperaware and paranoid and never got a restful night, then turned into a raging emotional wreck during the days. But that was me.)
When we walk as disciples of Jesus, parenting becomes a long discipline of creating more disciples, even as we ourselves learn to follow Him.
I recently took a class on setting and achieving goals. We started by listing many big dreams we would love to reach one day, but then we were required to choose only one. From that dream we had to break down various things that must happen in order for us to reach it, and then from that short list we again were required to choose only one to focus on for a specific time frame. If raising children who are followers of Jesus is the big goal, then I think that likely the shorter list of ‘must-happen’ things would be topped by: “I must be a close follower of Jesus myself“. Then by pursuit of this, the way to the big dream of raising followers of Jesus will become clearer. (I didn’t say easier. You know I have always tried to be truthful to you.)
When Dad and I flew to visit our friends recently, we saw them lovingly, thoughtfully, and wisely interact with their daughters for the duration of our stay. I commented to my friend how impressed I was by her patience and calm parenting of her children, and her response was to thank me sincerely. But then she also reminded me that she was parenting in front of others and therefore it was the best version of herself as a mom coming out.
I thought about her comment for a long time, and I saw how it was true for me, too. If any other person is present who was not a member of our immediate family, even a child, my words were more measured and my tone more kind. I was more thoughtful and patient, less quick to become exasperated, and more inclined to use humor. I smiled more. I used my phone less. I listened more carefully.
It became very startling to recognize that I obviously had great self-control and a large capacity for excellent parenting… when I knew someone else was watching. So where was that control and kindness when no one else was present? Wasn’t it a tragedy in some ways to only give you children the best of me when others were around?
And here was the kicker: As a child of God, with the Holy Spirit living in me, the irony of it all was that there WAS Someone there all the time! The greatest, most important, significant and impressive Someone in the world! If I could see a physical manifestation of Him, I would likely parent better than if all the honored dignitaries, world leaders, and acclaimed celebrities were there packed in our kitchen carefully watching me in my interactions with you. And yet I somehow struggle daily to hold that fact in my mind and live like it is true.
Part of a common phrase came to mind, and I amended it to suit my thoughts: Dance like no one’s watching, parent like Someone is. Now I often ask that my Father reminds me that He is present, that He is worthy of my best behavior toward you, and that you are only in my temporary stewardship for a short season of life.
How I pray that I will keep remembering that you ultimately belong to Him, and you deserve the best version of me, too. I truly desire that you will see me grow deeply in practicing His presence in this area.
Being your mom is probably the greatest privilege of my life. Also probably one of the greatest challenges, the greatest struggles, and the greatest joys I will ever have. Parenting you all has been in turns exhilarating, infuriating, bewildering, and always, always humbling. I have been made increasingly aware of my own failings, limitations, weaknesses, and the areas I need to grow in. And I am deeply sorry for any wrongs I have done to you, the many times I was too harsh, so quickly angry. Please forgive me for the times I did not make time for you, did not listen well, and did not reflect Jesus to you, in spite of my best hopes and intentions.
Thank you for your deep and tender love to me, wholehearted and unreserved, your quickness to forgive, your openness to my instruction. You each have been among the greatest, most precious gifts of my life, and I love you so dearly.
May the life I live being your mom be a pleasing offering, bringing the best I am each day, and may our Father be so precious to all of us that we live our lives always delighted by His nearness.
