Parenting – Page 2 – EAST WILLOW PLACE

The Flock in My Care – A Hopeful Reminder for Tired Mamas

(Confessions from a Mama of Many)

Hey Mama.

How’s your heart been today?

If you are a tad weary, a little worn, feeling stretched, depleted, and often discouraged by how often you are discouraged, I can absolutely relate.

Being the bedrock of a little person’s life is draining. Being the foundational piece of how they find comfort, sustenance, information, regulation, and rest is hard work.

Multiply that number by however many children you may care for, and the flat-out truth is that parenting is a significant, important, and often utterly exhausting enterprise.

The raising and care of little people can be bewildering in the immense variety of needs and areas of focus. You are one person and the work is so much.

So guess what? Admitting and accepting that you can’t do it all is the first step in walking straight into the peace our own Father gives.

Parenting is often more about being parented.

Each challenge, each struggle, each situation, each interaction, each new need you face in your day is an opportunity for you to become childlike yourself and press into the loving, huge arms that are held out to hold you and to nestle your head on the broad, strong shoulder you can fully rest on and trust in.

Psalm 68:19 exclaims, “Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms.” (NLT)

Another cherished verse from Scripture for me is Isaiah:

“He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.”
Isaiah 40:11 (NLT)

One of the best things about this verse is that the mother sheep is not alone, guarding her young by herself out in the wild. She’s not trying to scavenge for her food and the food for her littles, defend everyone from predators, and be ever vigilant and all-knowing about every disease or difficulty that the flock will face.

She’s under the shepherd’s care right along with her lambs. She’s not the one ultimately responsible for their well-being and met needs: He is.

This gives me peace, like a sigh of relief. It’s not all on my shoulders. I can walk each day, doing the best I can with what I have been given, and know at the end of it I am not the final answer. The final answer comes from Someone infinitely more capable, wise, gracious, patient, kind-hearted, tender, and loving than I am.

My job is to manage and care for the little ones I have been given. As a mama sheep with my own littles, it’s as if I’m an under-shepherd.

My calling is to teach them to listen for and follow the voice of our Shepherd. I am to demonstrate complete trust in His faithfulness and ability to care for all my needs.

Children hear what you say but they are more likely to imitate what they see.

My children should see me run to the Shepherd joyfully and quickly for safety, comfort, and sustenance each and every day so that when they also require those things, they know what pattern to replicate in their own lives.

1 Peter 5:2 was written to pastors and overseers (i.e. “shepherds”) of groups of believers in the Early Church, but this also makes it applicable to a mama like me:

“Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God.”
1 Peter 5:2 (NLT)

My littles are in my care. They have been “entrusted” to me, and I am charged to watch over them with a willing heart and an eagerness to please my Great Shepherd, to whom I will answer for my work.

My prayer for you today is that you will find solace and peace in knowing His tender, watchful care for you. I pray that you will know the deep joy that comes when your heart is soft and quick to turn and follow His guidance.

And I pray that you will walk courageously in the love He gives you each day, willing and eager to pour it out on the little ones you watch over.

Grace and peace to your heart, Shepherd-Mama.

Our Shepherd smiles when He sees you.

How I’m Raising Eager Readers: Part Three

I want my kids to love reading and to have good feelings about it! Pushing through when they’re having a hard time or are feeling poorly is a sure-fire way to create resentment and frustration, not to mention significant weepiness. (And that’s not even talking about my kid’s reaction.)

When Reading Runs Amuck: How I Combat Some Reading-Time Challenges

Sometimes reading time slants sideways even before the book is opened.

Yes, even for my family of book-lovers, these times come too. The whining and complaining starts, and bargaining for a really short lesson or a different activity begins. Thirst, hunger, exhaustion and mental fatigue strike with astonishing speed, and the chores that earlier seemed so tedious and unimportant suddenly appear fascinating and urgent. Kids who can intently focus on a game or something else they enjoy suddenly can’t seem to hold still or concentrate for more than three seconds.

Here’s the list of questions I run through to figure out how to triage the reading blues:

1. Is there a physical need or problem my child is facing?

Are they tired, hungry, or cranky? Are they dealing with a cold or another ailment? If any of these things are a yes, I will try to cut the lesson shorter, or just shelve it till we have resolved the problem. Otherwise it’s just not worth the emotional struggle.

2. Is there a natural personality or behavioral trait at work, or is this abnormal behavior?

Are they naturally more energetic and wiggly, finding sitting still a challenge?

If it’s squirminess within that particular child’s normal range, I try to work with it instead of fighting it, especially at a young age. As they grow older and gain more self control, sitting or standing still can be worked on with less resistance and greater ease.

Some people have a natural tendency to concentrate better while they’re moving – even as adults. Instead of fighting this and making everyone miserable, I figure, why not be creative and plan to accommodate the wiggle? Reading becomes so much more pleasant and successful!

I have had one son, my earliest reader, stand next to me while I sat on the floor with the reading book. He squirmed, waved his arms, hugged himself, kicked his legs, and bounced around me the whole time – but he was actively reading the sounds. He did an amazing job – but I had to be willing to adjust to his unorthodox, squirmy method of learning with patience and grace. I now have fond memories of these reading lessons, since I saw the rapid progress he made when he was free to physically move as he needed.

I do try my best to gauge whether it is a natural energetic movement where the child is still able to focus and concentrate well on the reading, or if the wiggles are just a sign of boredom or resistance to facing a challenge. If I’m finding that my child is distracted and unable to read while wiggling, then I do encourage more deliberately quiet positioning, but perhaps after a timed period of short exercise like five laps around the back yard or twenty burpees as fast as possible!

3. Is this a learning area that they have been finding an ongoing challenge or is this new?

Some kids just naturally take to reading. While they may have some rocky patches and off-days, in general the path from letters to sounds to words and sentences is generally straight and mostly smooth.

Other children’s experience can be more challenging – like they suddenly were thrown off a safe, high cliff into deep and murky waters where every vowel sound changes ominously and compound sounds lurk like sharks. (At least, that’s the impression I get from reading with them!)

Some kids really do need more time and help with reading. One of mine requires extra patience and persistence, since it seems that almost every lesson something previously learned is forgotten and we’ve lost some ground. We have been making good progress in spite of the setbacks, however, and it’s important for me to remember to look back and see how far we’ve come, and the overall general success we’ve already achieved!

Any learning challenge can potentially be very draining, discouraging, and exasperating for both parent and child. It’s important to hold on and just keep going in short, cheery bursts as often as possible, celebrating small victories with a big smile and sincere excitement (and maybe a small treat or a fun activity.)

Consistence with persistence… and get assistance if you need it! There is so much more information and help available nowadays for parents who are helping children through dyslexia and other learning issues, and sometimes the best way to teach your child to read is to let someone else help you do it if you’re struggling, with no guilt or shame about it.

Here’s to raising eager readers!

How I’m Raising Eager Readers (Part Two)

My Method in the Madness

In a large family with so many littles, I’ve had to streamline and simplify how I teach reading.

I use Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons (by Siegfied Engelmann, Phyllis Haddox & Elaine Bruner, Touchstone Publishing) with a significant twist!

This battered copy has been through six children so far… starting the seventh sometime later this year!

If you are at all familiar with this book, you know that the sounds and words to be taught are in a large, bold font. After the first introductory lessons which do not have stories, each lesson has a simple picture with a “story” (some of only a sentence or two, others much longer) for the child to read which practices the sounds and words they learned. (Some of these stories are a hoot, and my children grew to anticipate whatever funny story they would read that day!)

This book uses a special orthographic (how words are spelled) font so that children become familiar with the sounds certain letters make without being confused by sound rules.

Each lesson also comes with a carefully detailed script – both for the parent to say/teach (in pink print) and an expected response from the child for each lesson. They also give writing exercises, rhyming activities, picture comprehension questions, and multiple questions/answers throughout each lesson.

Confession time: I only focus on the bold print when I teach my children reading from this book.

Yep, I brazenly ignore all the fine print, writing exercises, rhyming, and multiple admonishments for repeated readings. (I know, shocking!)

This way there is a lot less drag and irritation from the slow progress, and my kids and I can zip through the first several lessons without even breaking a sweat. Because the book starts very simply, teaching only two sounds in the first lesson, then slowly building each time, I often find that my child can easily cover multiple lessons in the early days, then as the reading increases and the stories at the end become a little longer, we “slow down” to about two or so for each reading session. (One of my children was so excited by her progress that she insisted on covering about four to five lessons each time we worked on her reading!)

Here’s my method in the madness, broken down:

1. I use Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, but teach using only the bold text without following the script.

I use it as a resource, not a mandated method. My kids react with irritation if I try to slowly go through all fine-print script, slowing us all down and increasing frustration. When I let it go, they start to fly through the lessons with increasing enthusiasm and excitement. It is an easy choice.

2. I use the actual lessons as a general guide, but go at the pace my child sets, rather than insisting he/she completes a set number of lessons or pages.

If we are struggling through one lesson and don’t even finish and ten minutes is up, I often say cheerily, “OK, let’s get to the end of this line (or to the bottom of this page) and then let’s stop for the day! Great work so far!” because then my child knows the end is in sight and is encouraged to keep going for just a little longer.

I try to generally aim for about ten minutes at least for “reading time” with me, in addition to whatever books they read to themselves or each other before bedtime or during quiet time.

Once in a while, I know my child is just being a punk and decided that he/she doesn’t feel like doing the work of reading that day. So then I will tell them that they need to complete a page (or a lesson) before moving on to another activity (like playing), and if they refuse, they will lose that other activity. As the mom of my kids, I can tell when it’s totally an attitude thing versus a real problem like an illness or exhaustion or low blood sugar.

Even though I want reading to be enjoyable, sometimes getting to that point will be work. And teaching my child that work is part of life is never a bad thing.

3. I often fit “reading time” in with normal life. This means that after we get through the initial lessons and my child is more confident in reading, I often have a child sitting (or lying!) on a mat on the kitchen floor next to me or sitting on the couch, reading aloud, while I clean up breakfast dishes, fold laundry, or cook dinner. I stay close and keep an eye on their book and can usually direct them easily if they make an error or need a reminder about a certain sound, or can chat with them about the picture and discuss the story.

This way I can get through about two or three children’s reading lessons (usually the most I have in this learning stage is three kids at a time) while still getting through the regular household things that I need to accomplish for our family.

4. I never insist that we finish the book!

I have experienced now with several children that by the time they reach around lesson 75 (three-quarters of the way through the book), they have enough confidence and reading skills that they have already begun reading other books that they themselves have chosen, on topics they find interesting. THIS IS SUCCESS.

Some of my kids never go back to 100 Easy Lessons because they self-teach new words and sounds through other materials. (Often later they go back and read the fun stories at the end of each lesson, merely as an entertainment rather than a scholastic endeavor.)

And I cheerily put it back on the shelf to wait for the next upcoming reader, knowing it has successfully completed its mission of helping me teach reading to my child.

Booyah! Victory.

There you have it, the basic way I teach reading in my home. Up next: Part Three: How I cope with specific challenges like wiggly kids, meltdown-days, and learning difficulties.

How I’m Raising Eager Readers (Part One)

5 Things I Do to Create a Home Where Readers Thrive

My five-year-old, starting yet another chapter book.

Of my eight children aged 11 to 2 years, six are reading, most of them with great proficiency. My earliest reader was one of my sons, while he was still 3 years old. Our adopted son is also reading well within his age group, despite coming from another country with an entirely different language and no prior English experience.

The average age of children starting reading in our home is about age 4. I laugh and think by now it’s usually a matter of survival – with so many books and reading siblings around, the younger ones think it’s absolutely typical, and just figure that the earlier they get started the sooner they can join the fun!

Now I find myself frequently frustrated that someone is so lost in a book that they have neglected their chores or forgot to shower or are oblivious to my calling that dinner is on the table!

While a house full of bookworms lost in stacks of books is a commonplace scene for me, I have to admit that this is not just by chance.

Creating an environment where readers thrive is an intentional choice. As a parent, I have a direct impact on how my children view reading and books based on how I choose to incorporate them in our home.

Creating a Home Where Readers Thrive

We make space for books. While this may seem obvious, it is nonetheless important to note. Are there bookshelves or cupboards available for your children’s books which are easily accessible to them? Is there enough room for their libraries to grow as they do? Are shelves or places where books can be stored cluttered with other things like toys, games, knick-knacks, or outdated board books? Having a dedicated place for reading books is a great start to growing dedicated readers.

In our home we have many bookshelves – in fact, pretty much every room in the house has at least one bookshelf (except the kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room). This means that we live in an environment surrounded by many books and it makes me so happy!

I have extra bins on the hearth in the living room that are specifically designated for the plethora of library books we lug home (I try limiting the number per kid but thus far I have been wildly unsuccessful). This helps keep the books more organized as well.

Books on lower shelves are generally designated for the younger children. Special reference books or more costly classics and adult literature are higher and thus less likely to be damaged by toddlers.

We make places for comfortable reading. Some of my kids want to read flopped on the floor on their bellies. Some love snuggling on the couch with blankets and throw pillows. Some wedge themselves tightly in the corner between the wall and the piano with their book. Some hide in their bed, some sit outside on a blanket… you get the picture. Each child has a preferred way of reading that allows them to be comfortable and concentrate.

If I want to encourage an environment of reading, it’s in my best interest to help enable the comfort of my reader, whether by providing a basket of smaller (easily washable) blankets in the living room, some durable floor cushions for those who want to lounge on the carpet, or ensuring they have a decent light source in their room (for my older kids). Even finding a smaller, kid-sized table and chairs can encourage reading habits since they are more comfortable in a space that fits them best.

We limit screen time. This one’s important. In order to encourage an atmosphere that fosters reading, I make it a priority to decrease access and exposure to screens, since any screen time (even the educational kind) seems to cause limited attention-span, deter creativity, minimize logical thought, and (in my personal experience) create negative attitudes and behavior that exponentially increases with the amount of screen time. When I notice my kids starting to whine about boredom and wanting to watch something, that’s my cue to carefully assess the time we’ve been permitting in front of a screen and to start assigning more books.

We set the example. The truth is that children will listen to what their parents say, but they are far more likely to imitate the behavior they see. If I want to raise children who are self-motivated learners, careful thinkers, and avid readers, this is the kind of person I need to be myself.

I grew up overseas with limited access to many modern conveniences. Books were something my family considered an essential, and my siblings and I reread our favorite chapter books and classic novels dozens of times. Books were a cherished source of information and entertainment. Now as an adult, being a voracious reader comes naturally to me.

Because my children see me (and their dad) reading often, they hear us getting excited discussing books and stories, and they observe me eagerly anticipating trips to the library, they also have assimilated this excited, positive attitude toward reading because it is normal for our household.

We read to the children. This should perhaps be the most obvious, but it is one of the most crucial pieces to implement in a home that wants to cherish readers. Reading out loud to my children is perhaps the most important way to grow their interest in and love of books.

Stories from the Bible, stories from classic literature, excellent children’s works by authors from around the world, modern fables and ancient myths, fairy tales and heartwarming family stories – humankind has always been fascinated and interested in stories, and my children are no different.

Even as we home school, reading snippets of great books for narration and copywork often whets their appetite for more of the same story, and often creates a need to make a new library run for more books!

Reading to the kids doesn’t have to be a long, onerous burden. Setting a timer for ten minutes, or even starting a routine of reading a chapter aloud of a good book while everyone else pitches in and folds laundry or colors in a coloring book is a way to incorporate reading at home.

Carefully observe your day and see where there are moments that might work for reading – even if it’s for only 10-15 minutes at a time. In a busy household, it’s important to be creative and flexible, but committed to reading.

To recap:

Here’s how we work to intentionally create a home environment that fosters a thriving group of young readers:

1. We make space for books.

2. We create places for reading comfortably.

3. We limit screen time.

4. We set the example.

5. We read to our kids.

Happy reading!

Up next: Part Two: What I Actually Use to Teach My Children How to Read

Bridging the Angry Divide: Reconnection & Restoration for Frustrated Mamas

Confessions from a Mama of Many

I was gritty with frustration last night. None of my punks were listening to my directions to stop fighting and please clean up messes. My house looked as if a daycare, an elementary school, a grocery store (I had just gotten home from errands), and a laundromat had a head-on collision. There were no survivors.

Dinner wasn’t ready.

I was getting snarky attitudes from the older kids and whining tears from the littles while my middle kids ignored house rules and raced each other up and down the halls shrieking.

The burning anger was rising. The exasperation in me was roaring toward all-out irrational irritation and picking up sarcasm and sudden outbursts of yelling along the way.

Here’s a relatively frequent experience:

When the throbbing starts in my temples and my jaw starts aching a bit from the clenching, it’s a good sign that I’m a leetle angry and close to my frustration limit.

Too much more and the harsh words come much too quickly, the cupboard doors start getting shut a bit too hard, and the onions get chopped as if I were a teppanyaki chef with a personal vendetta against vegetables.

Then the kids start looking up at me with slightly wounded, pouty expressions, even as the whining ratchets up a notch and the bickering takes an uptick.

“When mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” (Who decided that brilliant axiom, anyway?) It doesn’t really seem fair that the household generally seems to find me the emotional thermostat, following my stress levels, hovering equally near to my cheery high moments or my discouraged lows.

And yet this is the case. We mamas wield a lot of power as we captain our own little crews, trying to avoid the shoals while being rocked by waves and splattered with storms. It’s hard to maintain perspective that my children are learning how to navigate life based on my example, even as I sometimes just try to survive the day.

This is a lot of influence to hold! And often it feels like something far beyond my capacity and understanding. And yet: Here at home with my children is the place where I have the opportunity to be the leader God made me.

I can exert my choice to impact my family environment in a way that will benefit everyone, or I can decide to follow my acidic angry mental churnings and end up with figurative heartburn. (And sometimes literal heartburn too, now that I think about it.)

So. Since parenting is a calling which God has entrusted to me, it helps when I stop, take that deep breath, and quickly ask Him to come in and join me in the moments of deep frustration, raw aggravation, and exhausted irritation.

I usually think/pray a line from an old song, “Holy Spirit, thou art welcome in this place,” and just the acknowledgement that I need something – no, Some ONE – greater and more able than myself brings a pause to the anger. It’s not that I need the old-fashioned English, it’s that I’m usually so desperate that I’m kicking into autopilot and often the old songs I heard as a child are the ones that rise first.

I can choose to invite Him to come into this moment, this home, this heart, where I feel so tired, so weak, so overcome with frustration and overwhelm and stress.

And He does. Every single time. Like a cool breeze on a hot, breathless day, I sense His peaceful presence, and my heart unwrinkles a bit. (He’s so kind to tired, frazzled mamas.)

My mouth, open before with sharp words, closes. My breathing (and heart rate) slow. I usually take a deep breath, then if I need it, a drink of water (it helps! Swallowing stimulates the vagus nerve and that aids relaxation and stress relief – fun fact).

Then the conviction kicks in and I feel ashamed of myself and my lack of kindness. So then the prayer of Brother Lawrence comes to mind: “How can I but fail unless You enable me to stand?”

Because my first way back from the other side of that chasm of burning anger and exasperation is firstly to make it right with the One I’ve truly wounded with my sin: God.

Asking His forgiveness is easy. Accepting it is humbling, because it means that once again I’ve proven my inability to cope well on my own. Pride gets another zinger and that’s never an enjoyable feeling. (Especially when I get to feel that zinger a lot. Parenting keeps me humble.)

Calling my kids (or maybe just the ones I’ve been angry and impatient or irritated towards, so… that often means almost all of them…) to me, I wait till they’re all quiet(ish) and listening, looking at me.

Then I apologize for my angry reactions and the things I did and said that were wrong. I ask them to forgive me.

During last night’s situation, even before I could finish my sentence including the words, “I’m so sorry for being angry,” one child was up and gently head-butting me for a loving hug and another was interrupting me with their own remorseful apology. All of them said they forgave me. All of them meant it.

The ones who had done things I had been frustrated at (and suddenly much of it seemed petty and just childish, not worth the amount of angst I had poured into my reaction) apologized sincerely, simply, sweetly.

The tension in the air deflated like a leaky balloon, and a soft tenderness filled the space between my children and me. I was again startled and almost speechless at the speed and wholehearted grace my children give me with no hesitation when I express regret or sorrow over the things I have done wrong.

The relief on their faces that I had initiated in guiding us all back to place of peace and connection again was so clear.

The feeling of reparation and restoration was wonderful.

Choosing the humility and softness of a genuine apology always makes a stunningly swift and stable bridge over what initially appeared a deep and burning gorge between us – as long as I don’t put off the reconnection from a sense of pride. I choose to maintain short accounts, and that builds their trust in me.

I can’t change them or make them sorry for their own part of the situation, but I can definitely choose to make it right on my part. And I often find that when I am vulnerable and courageous to admit my faults, they tend to reciprocate because they see I am no longer setting myself as their opponent.

My vulnerability creates a place of safety for them.

And by showing them my willingness to admit fault (it’s not like they are shocked that I’m not perfect) and my humility to ask their forgiveness, I am showing them the beauty and peace that lies in a life lived with short accounts. I am showing the courage and strength it needs to be the one making that first step back together. And by my quickness to accept and forgive their mistakes and wrongs, I am showing them the loving grace our God gives when we tell Him we’re sorry and return to make it right.

By God’s grace, they will grow to be quick bridge-builders themselves in the relationships they have later. Because that’s what this world needs more of.

May He fill you and me with the ongoing courage and humility to make peace with our children, remembering that as His children He makes peace with us.

(Do you find it difficult to apologize to your children?)

How I Make Back-Talk Back Down (Parenting in Real Life)

3 Things I Do to Take on Back-Talk

– Confessions from a Mama of Many

Talking back, back-talk – it should be some kind of clever palindrome. In reality it’s aggravating, exhausting, and bewildering behavior from one’s children as they verbally challenge whatever it was their parent (usually me, the mom) just stated, requested, or commanded.

I have discovered that if not dealt with decisively and quickly, talking back becomes a long, ingrained habit that only deepens and solidifies its hold in interactions between me and my children, leaving me angry, defensive and (if I’m being honest) somewhat resentful.

I am in the trenches of this draining aspect of parenting, as I often face it daily from at least one (or more!) of my eight children.

(Side note: If any of you know of an amazingly immediate and certain method to eradicate back-talk completely, please share it with the rest of us!)

Meanwhile, without taking this one on directly, my children seemingly become unable to obey without a major negotiation and a round-table discussion first, as if they were my equals.

Please note, I am not someone who endorses a “seen but not heard” approach to parenting, and I truly long to raise children who feel valued, respected, and cherished. I am delighted by my children showing confidence and independence in appropriate ways. What I am not in favor of is when my young, immature child feels entitled to question my direction, challenge my authority, or seek to amend my parenting in some way. It simply is not their place.

As a parent, I have been given authority over my children by God. Not only has He instituted the family unit as the ideal basis for raising and training children to adulthood, His Word makes it clear that the parents are unequivocally in charge – regardless of whether or not they are perfectly wise, even-tempered, or even right (gasp!).

So long as the parent is doing their best to humbly pursue God and lead their family in righteousness, the children are told to “Obey [their] parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1)

By my children learning to grow up under my authority and cheerfully obey me and their dad, they are learning cheerful obedience and submission to God. This is one of the main purposes of parenting: discipling children to become disciples of God. By actively, intentionally training them to respond to parents in respectful obedience, regardless of their feelings on the subject, I am laying down a solid foundation for a healthy relationship of joyful obedience with their Eternal Father.

Remembering this helps me recognize that when my young children are challenging my authority, they’re actually rebelling against a governance that God put in place, and as such, this is a serious concern that warrants time and effort to correct.

Here’s What I Do to Take on Back-Talk:

1. First, I tackle the area of the problem which I have complete control over: ME.

I pray for God to show me what it is that needs to change in my own heart and mind.

Is there anything on my part that is adding to the problem when my children are challenging my authority and direction?

Am I reacting from fear or insecurity, not wanting to be seen as rigid and domineering? Am I coping poorly from tiredness or lack of energy from not getting enough sleep? Am I being negligent from laziness or unwillingness to cope with the effort and time it will take to address and retrain my children?

Is it something else?

I pray so that I can humbly ask for help and listen – the Holy Spirit knows exactly what my specific area of trouble is, I just need to be open and accepting of His diagnosis. (There may be a situation where I am not in error, but this, sadly, is not usually the case as I often discover there is something skewed with me before even starting to address the kids’ side of the issue.)

Then I repent and ask for strength, wisdom, and obedience to correct the issue: What do I need to shift in my thinking and speaking? Do I need to change my habits and go to bed earlier so I am better rested? What is it that is coming to my mind that I should put down (my phone) or pick up (the Bible, communication with my husband or a friend to hold me accountable)? And, sometimes the most convicting question: How do I speak to my husband and children? Am I demonstrating respect and using kind, courteous speech to them?

2. I plan ahead.

I decide before I am involved in a back-talk conflict what steps I will take to respond and correct. That way when it actually goes down I have a plan and am better able to stay calm and collected, rather than stressed and reactive.

Any ongoing challenges will be met with a consequence, moving of course from a gradual, small scale to larger, more significant consequences. The most important part is not the size of the consequence, but that there is one without me becoming angry or engaging as my child’s equal. I am demonstrating that the behavior they chose to exhibit is not permitted and will be met with negative feedback.

3. I have a family meeting for a general overview, and a one-on-one conversation with the main offender(s).

In the meeting, I remind the child(ren) of the family policy on back talk and why it’s not allowed in our home. I point out that God has placed parents over children until they are able to be responsible for themselves, and that talking back is challenging this authority. It is disrespectful to parents and it is disrespectful to God. Should they choose to pursue this way of communicating, there will be consequences.

I do, however, provide an opportunity for them to present their opinion or alternate idea in a respectful, honoring way: They may politely ask for a compromise. If the situation is appropriate and I am able, I consider their request. By recognizing that it is still ultimately my decision, I have more flexibility to include my children’s input without feeling like my authority is undermined. This way my children also feel heard and their opinions honored. And sometimes the things my kids suggest are quite brilliant!

For a quick overview:

1. I deal with my own heart and attitudes first, bringing them to God.

2. I make a plan when I am not emotionally compromised.

3. I communicate clearly and respectfully.

Finally, even if it goes without saying, I pray for my children (and me!) to have soft, teachable hearts. I firmly believe that parenting is really about being parented – as a child of God, I need to check to see that I am also demonstrating the humble, joyful obedience to my Father that I long to see in my children.

May your heart be encouraged and strengthened today as you do the good work of discipling your littles to be disciples of Christ. “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” (Galatians 6:9, NLT)

“How Do You Do It?” Confessions of a Mama of Many

The Fundamental Secret of How I Do My Life

“Wow! Busy mama!” folks exclaim as we come into sight, before they even stop counting heads.

“How do you do it?”

I hear that question relatively often, from other moms or people who see my large family, with eight kids ranging in age from eleven to two, and think that it equates an unimaginable amount of work and stress only overcome by superhuman abilities.

While it would be fun to reveal I have some kind of super power or divulge a magical secret formula for how to manage life with many young children, the honest truth is I don’t.

I’m truly not even that patient. (Shocker, I know.)

Every day usually brings at least one moment (or many) where I tell God in exasperation that I just can’t do it, I don’t want to do it, and I have no idea how to keep going.

Then I keep going.

Beyond any sort of efficiency tips, parenting ideologies, logistics or systems I implement, deeper than the homeschool curriculums and methods I employ, deeper even than the energetic, strong personality I’ve been blessed with, these are the two main factors that form the foundation of how I do my life:

1. I turn to God.

2. I don’t quit.

While I am humbly honored by anyone wanting my thoughts on the actual practical ways I operate my home and manage the humans in it, I have to start with the baseline of these two practices. And the best part is, if I can do this, I absolutely believe anyone can do them as well!

I am fully human, very flawed, prone to frustration, exhaustion, insecurity, and a frantic need to control. The great news is I don’t have to rely on this part of me, because as a follower of Christ, my Bible tells me that I am loved by God, chosen, holy, and free from sin. I have been showered with kindness, wisdom, and understanding. I have been made a new creation, a masterpiece of God, made to do the good things He planned for me long ago. And I am brought near to God through the sacrifice of Christ. (Ephesians 1:4,7-8; 2:10, 13)

I am not a superhuman. But I trust and know a superbly supreme Super-Being who fills me each day with the ability to live in a way that is not based in my human nature (when I allow Him to).

I can only make it so far on my own strength and ability to control my temper and adjust my attitude. I am unable to be endlessly patient with whining and bickering. I lack the endurance to patiently teach and re-teach a stonewalling, snarky child how to find the greatest common factor, or the right way to fold clean laundry, or to speak respectfully to a younger sibling. I am quickly bewildered by how to get an obstinate toddler to stop spitting on the carpet, or help a frustrated child cope with ongoing eczema outbreaks.

Multiply all that by eight, add a cluttered, dusty house and three daily meals to prepare, and on my own steam I don’t have a chance.

So.

1. I turn to God.

My relationship with God is the dearest thing I possess. Thus I make it a priority to haul my often-tired self out of bed each morning and spend time reading His Word, talking to Him and (here’s the hard part) staying quiet enough to listen to Him. But He meets with me in those quiet morning moments, and His presence brings a solace, joy, and strength to my soul that nothing else gives.

I would be a fool to skip out on this essential, life-giving interaction, because this is the secret fuel that gives me the power to make it through each day.

I don’t stop eating physical food or drinking water during the day, or I would crash in exhausted lack of energy. In the same way, my time in the Bible and in prayer and meditation is the food that feeds my heart and gets my mindset on track for each situation I may encounter.

Whether it’s ten precious minutes or a delightful hour or more, time with my Father fills me up to carry on my current work of being a mama, wifey, and Household Executive of a family of ten needy, wonderful, imperfect people.

Even just deliberately choosing to turn my thoughts toward Him throughout my day, whispering a prayer in my heart, and deciding to be thankful for something in the midst of the noisy mess has a way of refilling the joy and peace that only He can give.

2. I don’t quit.

My second “secret” is just to keep going. My God is faithful. I want to be like Him. He doesn’t quit on me – ever. So I know He’ll give me the ability and strength for each new day to put one foot in front of the other on this journey of mothering and homemaking.

And He’ll hold my heart and give me peace when I want to scream, smash a glass dish or two, burn the dinner, and fly away to an isolated Caribbean island for six months. I know because He has done it – and His peace is priceless and incomprehensible.

So basically, my second foundational aspect of how I do my life – not quitting – is also centered in God.

There you have it, the big secret of “how I do it”: God. He’s the “how”. He’s really the only “how” ever. Other things can be helpful, but for me He is the essential.

The Bible states that those who have Him have everything they need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3). And God always keeps His promises. Especially to busy, easily overwhelmed mamas like me.

(Thanks for asking!)